Losers will Smile

I used to be skinny in my childhood. Worst part of being skinny is that you can not afford to pick up a fight as no one but you will be on the receiving end. So, even if somebody used to hit me, I would never respond back. My best way of taking revenge was to take the matter to the higher courts. Teachers used to praise me, because they used to think I am practicing Gandhigiri.
After my 10th board examination, I started gaining weight. I was very happy. When I realized I was skinny no more, I intentionally picked up a fight with the skinniest guy in my class. What happened is history but I came to two conclusions, never pick up a fight with a skinny cricketer when he has cricket bat in his hand and humiliation is more when you get beaten up by a skinny friend.

Recently I realized that I have started to grow again and I can feel it. My clothes are tight and I feel bigger. For past ten months, I am in Australia and I believe it has something to do with my growth. In a month I am going back to India and I can’t go like this. I have to stop growing, but question is how? So, I did little research on Google. I believe after some years all the laboratories in IITs will be closed and all the researches will be conducted on Google. Result suggested that it has something to do with my eating habits and not living an active lifestyle. What non sense, I have been eating well, chicken wings in the breakfast, fish and chips for lunch, chips in the evening and six rotis with sabji in the dinner. Going little out of context, in Australia they sell awesome candy bars. You get so many different kinds of candy bars that even daily I eat 5 or 6 different types of candy bars; still I have not tested all of them. When I talked to gym instructor at work about it, he asked me “Do you cook or you do take away?” I told him off course I cook (I am pretty sure he was talking about dinner, though he never mentioned it). He seemed surprised and told me that people generally put weight on when they mostly do take away.
With one reason out, it only leaves my “not so active” lifestyle as the reason. I did some more research on “Google” on what is active lifestyle. It suggested that 1,000 steps a day is considered as an active lifestyle. I bought a pedometer next day and tied it to my shoes in the morning. In the evening the count was 2,173, so I am leading an active lifestyle. While I was putting pedometer back in the case, I saw 10,000 steps written on the case. Thinking, it must be for athletes, I searched in Google again. What the fu**, last time I missed a zero at the end, 10,000 steps for active lifestyle and my count was 2,173 only.

I still believe that I am not overweight; I am just “Healthy”. I need to tone down a bit so that I am considered healthy and not “Healthy”. From tomorrow onwards, I will do exercise, eat less, inhibit my temptation for chocolates and in the end will emerge as a “Loser”. Today is the last day of uninhibited quest, so let me test 10 chocolates today.

Gyaan ki Baat

I asked him that can he keep a secret? He said, "Off course. Do not worry, my lips are sealed like BP Oil wells."

ज्ञान १: जहाँ तक मेरी समझ है, दी गयी गाली तभी सार्थक है जब जिसे दिया गया हो उसे लग जाये.  अगर गाली लगी नहीं तो बेकार गयी. इसलिए गाली हमेशा receiver कि मातृभाषा में देनी चाहिए.  मेरा दोस्त राहुल एक बार धोबी पर गरम हो गया. बात ही ऐसी थी, उसने राहुल कि नयी शर्ट गुमा दी थी. राहुल भाई थोड़े अंग्रेजी के जानकार आदमी हैं, और बात भी ज्यादातर अंग्रेजी में ही करना पसंद करते हैं. गुस्से में राहुल भाई अपनी मातृभाषा, अंग्रेजी में शुरू हो गए. एक से बढकर एक चुनिन्दा गलियाँ दी. कुछ तो मैंने अपनी diary में note कर लिया भविष्य में प्रयोग के लिए. जब राहुल भाई शांत हुए तो धोबी सहम कर बोला "भैया, वो मैं कह रहा था कि आपका शर्ट गुम हो गया है, शायद आप समझे नहीं."

ज्ञान २: एक बार मैं अपने दोस्त सतीश के घर गया. उसकी दीदी का बेटा कुणाल छुट्टियों में आया हुआ था. मैंने उसे छेड़ने के लिए पीछे से उसके बाल खींचे. पलट कर उसने मुझे गाली दे दी. मैंने उसे समझाते हुए बोला "बेटा गाली नहीं देते. अब देखो, तुम ने गाली दी और मैंने नहीं ली, गाली तो तुम्ही को वापस हो गयी ना. इसलिए गाली नहीं देते."
उसने कहा, " गाली वापस थोड़े ही ना होता है, एक बार जिसको दे दी उसी के पास रहती है. गाली आप ही के पास है."
इसलिए याद रखिये, दी गयी गाली वापस नहीं होती. अगर कोई आपको गाली दे रहा है और आप यह सोचकर ध्यान नहीं दे रहे हैं कि आप उसे ले नहीं रहे हैं, तो यह आपकी भूल है. गली आपको लग कर ही रहेगी.

यह चुटकुला real अनुभव पर आधारित है.
एक बार एक लड़के वाला मेरे पडोसी के घर उनकी बेटी का रिश्ता तय करने आया. बात चलते-चलते दहेज़ पर पहुँची. लड़के वाले बहुत ज्यादा दहेज़ मांग रहे थे. इसी बीच लड़के के पिताजी को जोर की लघुशंका आयी. उन्होंने पडोसी से एक लोटा पानी मँगवाने को कहा. मेरे पडोसी ने जोर से अपने बेटे को आवाज लगते हुए कहा, "जरा, एक बड़े से लोटे में पानी तो लेते आना, आज समधी जी आग मूत रहे हैं. बुझाने के लिए चाहिए होगा." पड़ोसी का दहेज़ पर यह व्यंग अभी भी मुझे हँसाता है.

"मेरे पिताजी इतने लम्बे हैं" वाला चुटकुला तो आपने सुना ही होगा.
तीन बच्चे आपस में discussion कर रहे थे कि किसके पिताजी सबसे ज्यादा काबिल हैं.
पहला बच्चा: मेरे पिताजी तो इतने लम्बे हैं की वो ताड़ के पेड़ से फल तोड़ लेते हैं.
दूसरा बच्चा: बस. मेरे पिताजी तो इतने लम्बे हैं की वो उड़ते हुए जहाज को आराम से छू लेते हैं.
तीसरा बच्चा: मेरे पिताजी भी लम्बे हैं, पर वो ऐसा चुरकुट वाला काम नहीं करते.

Bits & Pieces

It is freaking winter.

Do not think I am nuts. It is freaking cold here. Winter is at its peak. In my defense, I am in Australia. 

Today morning Andrew asked me what I was smiling about? I replied to him that I wasn't smiling. That was the expression from last night which had frozen in the freaking cold.

1 week to go.

I am going back to India for a month on holidays. I couldn't have picked up worse time. I have heard it is pretty hot in India. All the time I spent hiding from the Sun to become fair, will be tanned back to original in a week.
Still, I am looking forward to the trip for two reasons. One, my elder brother is getting married, and second, I will get to eat lots of mangoes. I missed mangoes in Australia. You do not get variety and quality over here.

सौ चूहे खा कर बिल्ली चली हज को.

कभी "अपने पाँव पर कुल्हाड़ी मरना" मुहावरे का इससे बढ़िया प्रयोग मैंने नहीं देखा. जोश में आकर मैंने BARC का form दो महीने पहले भर दिया. मैंने तो बस यूँ ही application डाल दी थी. तब से बस घर वाले पीछे ही पड़ गए की तैयारी कैसी चल रही है. Exam अगले Sunday है. पिछले चार दिन से पढाई शुरू की है. ४ साल का course अगले ४ दिनों में निबटाना है. कहते हैं ना कि पिछले जनम का पाप २ दिन में थोड़े ही धुलता है. ऐसे धुलाई जरी है. बस आपके सहयोग की आवश्यकता है. जम कर शुभाशीष दीजिये. पास कर गया तो एक-एक के घर मिठाई भेजूँगा, वर्ना आशीष आपने मन से नहीं दिया या फिर आपके आशीष में दम नहीं है, मान कर संतोष कर लूँगा.

See you all in India in a week time.

How to stop loving your work

Once I posted below statement on my Facebook wall and following is the conversation that followed.

“Sometimes you just want to stab someone, but you can’t do it because it is against company’s policy.”

Comment: It is against the policy of every society, even then people do it. You just need to have enough courage to perform HATKE.
Me: May be I need little encouragement & motivation :)
Comment: I think...may be u need a bit more of torture. :P

And I could not stop laughing.

Are you one of those dumb guys who love their work?

Let me get few things straight: It does not matter how much I said I love to work hard or how much I want to work for your company or how much my tailored resume gave you impression that I will be a perfect fit; I DO NOT LOVE WORK. And yes I lied when I told you in the interview that I was born to work for your company as I had said the same thing to another company who had interviewed me 5 minutes before you. I will not stay a minute after 4 PM in the evening and will take minimum 2 sick leaves every month.

One of the departments I hate most in a firm is HR (human resource). They are like muffins, tastes so nice but if you had too much of it, you will have type-2 diabetes. With their pretty face at first it might seem that chick is digging you, but as soon as you are hired they will treat you like an ex- and you do not know whether it was you or her. Next time you see them around is when it is time to fire you.

I often hear people saying how much they love their work. I think either they do not understand the meaning of pleasure or they do not understand work. Do you know why company pays you salary – because you are miserable at work. Think about it, last time when did you do something fun and you did not have to pay for it? And, do you think if company knows that you are having fun at work, they will pay you? They are there to make money for themselves and not for a sucker like you. Only reason you are there because at this point in time no machine or human is available to do that work more efficiently or cheaper than you. To them you are not an individual, you are simple a human RESOURCE. One thing I am pretty sure is, if you are having fun at work then you are miserable at home. So never love your work.

Once you establish that you hate your job, the question is how to survive it? It pays for your requirements and hence you can not completely stop working. These guidelines will help you survive your job:

1. Be competitive: You can survive by just knowing that there is always someone out there who has a worse job than you. His life sucks more than yours.
2. Be positive: There is light at the end of the tunnel and it is your salary. No matter what happens, they have to pay you until they fire you.
3. Be productive: If you are interested in shares then you can utilize office time to do online trading. Managing your Ebay account is also a good way of saving on bargains.
4. Expand your skill set: Learn how to play online games. Sudoku, mind puzzles or other online games are good way to waste time.
5. Ramp up your networking: Facebook is banned at most of the workplace, but it should not stop you from being social. Spend time around coffee machine, and know your colleagues better.
6. Planning for who you want to be in 5 years time: Day dreams are good way to see your career progression. Good thing about day dreaming is there is no required skill set for any job you want to dream about and sky is the limit.
7. Be inclusive about your work: Working environment becomes less boring if you are having an affair with someone but it might create problem if your wife learns about it. So only get into affairs with someone who has high regard for confidentiality.

Every morning when I wake up, I do a mental calculation to decide whether I can take sick leave today or not. Then on my way to work I try to convince myself that I love my work which lasts till I enter my office. Once I sit on my chair only thing gets me through the day is the fact that everyday has 4P.M. and every week a Friday. Ohh shit, it is already 4:02P.M., see you later.

Mount Kosciuszko – a trip to the highest mountain in Australia

 Dedicated to Mr. X

Disclaimer:  Well things might seem funny now, but weren’t funny at that time :). Even though Mr. X is real, but we can not reveal his identity due to confidentiality agreement. See Abhishek, I had told you I will never reveal your identity if you do not want to.

It rarely happens that weekend is longer than weekdays (a wise old man said last time it happened when Australia won The Ashes) and 5 day Easter break was perfect time for me to come out of my shell. So, four exIITians Mr. X, Lokesh, Bhassi and I decided to camp on the highest mountain in Australia, Mount Kosciuszko. In nutshell, we completed demanding 27 Km walk on medium to hard terrain, in minus zero condition, 20+ Kg on our back and camped one night on Mount Kosciuszko. While pain still has to recede, hopefully story will go on.

Our journey started from Great Victoria. In Victoria everything is “Great”; river, roads, swamps, forests and even their dry creeks. After 9 hour long drive, we arrived at Jindabyne (the base camp for Mount Kosciuszko) at 3A.M. in the middle of the night. Apparently expected time to reach there was 11P.M., so we weren’t too late, only trouble was everything was closed and temperature was around zero. So we decided to sleep in the car itself. We closed all the windows and slipped in our sleeping bags. Within few minutes of good night exchange I realized a couple of things (1) Bhassi is oxygen munching monster. He was consuming more than 75% of our oxygen (limited amount available in the car). He was taking really long inhales in such quick succession that it almost felt like Kapal Bhathi except he was inhaling instead of exhaling. I was afraid that I will die due to lack of oxygen, so we made gap in our windows for oxygen inflow. (2) Mr. X snores at a pitch which you can clearly hear even in Metallica concerts, and I will tell you one thing, I couldn’t sleep in Metallica concert. So Lokesh and I were awake for the whole night watching him sleep like a child. At least someone slept well that night :(.

Enjoying tranquility at Jindabyne lake after full night of snoring from Mr. X

In the morning we all went to see Jindabyne Lake. View was quite scenic and atmosphere was quite quiet. We had light breakfast and we did final checking of our backpacks. Before I could close my rucksack, I heard Mr. X shouting, apparently something was missing. He had brought 8 liters of water for 1.5 day tracking (:O) out of which 1 liter was missing.  After little convincing he settled for 7 liters but made it clear that he is not going to share his water in any case. I realized, everyone has to look after themselves. I only had 2 liters of water on me and I had no doubt in my mind that I might have to kill Mr. X before I can get a sip out of his lot.

Snowy River, well that is what river looks like in Australia

We started tracking around 10A.M. Within few minutes we all realized it is going to quite demanding. First came Snowy River, then a series of peaks and saddle. Once you know the difference, you will never confuse a river with creek. Creeks are creeks while river is a creek with bucket of water flowing through it.

 Weather was perfect for tracking, but at the end of the day we were dog tired. We set up our tent in the dark under torch light. Finally we had shelter from freezing outside and this was time to discuss the day. Facts were, rucksacks were very heavy due to consumable goods (water, bread, jam etc) and so far no one had drank more than 100 ml of water. There were few laughs about 8 liter of water. At dinner time everybody was keen to share their share of water and food so that they can loose some weight, but no one showed interest in others stock. We ate and drink as much as we can so that next day we had to carry less, well that is how I got my name, Museli Mishra :). After few rounds of card games we all went for bed. Even before we finished good night exchange, we knew Mr. X was asleep as we could hear loud snores coming out of his sleeping bag. We all knew we were up for another big night. Bhassi, Lokesh and I had light conversation for another half an hour around snoring and few laughs at Mr. X’s misfired snores. We all managed to get some rest.
Second day track was much easier due to sloping terrain and our lighter backpack (due to last nights overeating).
All together it was quite fun and enjoyable experience. We had laughs and that is all that counts.

P.S: Bits of story are exaggerated. All in good faith.
Abhishek: Thanks for driving us safely in long stretch.
Bhassi: Thanks for packed lunch.
Lokesh: Thanks for carrying the heaviest rucksack :P

Teesri Kassam: Pahli Kassam

If you love someone let him go. If he comes back then he is yours forever and if he doesn't then you STALK.

I impatiently looked at the watch; 1:25 P.M.; 5 more minutes if train starts on time. I missed India a lot in last six months. 

“Bhaiya, Saharsa jane mein kitna samay lagega?” I asked a chai wala next to my window.

“Jyada der lagega to udd kar jaoge kya?” I was tired from 11 hour flight and his sense of humor was irritating me, but I smiled back as he and his customers were laughing at his comment.

“4 ghanta lagta hai, arram se khate peete jao.”

“Excuse me, that’s my seat.”

“Oh, sorry.”

She was beautiful and I was thunderstruck. Though I was sure that was my seat, I moved to the empty seat next to it. I thought, may be journey won’t be boring after all. Chai wala was cruelly smiling at me and singing “Yun hi kat jayega safar saath ….” when train started creeping on the platform.

By the time I decided what would be my conversation starter; she was already busy reading Fountainhead. I had seen it under “Best booksellers Category" in book agency at Melbourne airport. I always find these book agencies at airport handy, as I can pass hours just flicking through books and updating myself to new releases without spending any money.

“Good book.”

“Have you read it?”

“I am planning to read it on my flight back to Melbourne.” I emphasized on Melbourne.

“Which is your favorite book?”

“Umm.., Harry Potter.” I grinned.

“So, not much of a reader, I guess.” She was smiling. “Do not say that J. K. Rowling is your favorite author.” She closed her book. “So, what is new in Australia? I could not ignore the force you put behind Melbourne.”

She was laughing and I was grinning shamelessly. It was not the first impression I wanted but at least she was talking. 

“I just wanted to talk to you and I was not sure how to start. I hope you did not mind. So, where are you going?”

“Do not worry, I understand. I am going to Madhepura. What about you?”

“Me too.”
That is the stop after Saharsa. An extra hour won’t hurt. I will catch a taxi at Madhepura station to my place. I can definitely say, she was screwing with my thought process.

Later she told me that she was studying commerce from Patna University. She liked reading books and listening music. She was enjoying her studies at university. She also asked me a lot of question about life style in Australia and my college life at IIT Kanpur. Saharsa came and went. For the first time, I wished somebody could pull the chain and delay the train. I needed to ask her number, but how was haunting me.

“So, any special reason to come to India?”

I knew what she meant [:)]. “No, just to catch up with family and friends.”

“Good. You know I got engaged last week. He is a doctor. He proposed me…” I had already stopped listening. How much she talks. Can’t I have little peace for a while? Great, now she was showing me his pictures.

“So, what do you think?”

“He seems good. Can you tell me how long will it take to reach Madhepura from now?”

“20 mins.”

She opened her book again as I kept gazing the fields. I should have alighted at Saharsa, I thought.

She started packing her belongings as train entered the terminal. I just felt bad for my unreasonable behavior.

“I am sorry.” I said.

“That is OK. I am sorry too. I should not have told you about my fiancee after you missed your stop for me.” She was smiling again. “I heard you talking to chai wala. Didn’t you wanted to go Saharsa? Taxi for Saharsa leaves from just outside station exit.”

She handed Fountainhead to me and said, “I have already read it. It is a good book. I hope you will enjoy it and have a good trip.”

I walked towards exit thinking what just happened.

“Bhaiya, Saharsa jana hai. Kitna loge?”

He was playing “Ham to hue barbad kisi se hai…”.

I requested him to turn off the music as I pledged it is not going to happen ever again.

Tie a Rocket to Me

It would be very arrogant of us to think that in all the worlds, galaxies and universes we are the only intelligent or even viable life or life form in existence. It would be such a waste of space.

My name is Anand and today I want to share an extraordinary personal experience with all of you. It all happened last night after Kris’s birthday party.  Around 9 O’clock party started and went nearly for 4 hours. All of us were hammered and high on weeds when we left his place.  I was walking alone towards home when I hit a street light and that’s when opportunistic aliens abducted me. 

Light was bright (yellow) and I could hardly see what was above me. I can swear, it was a UFO, just like my dad had told me about his encounter. I felt liberated and a cold sensation ran through my west below. After that everything went dark as I had hard time opening my eyes. I think they drugged me.  They laid me on a rough bed and occasionally will sprinkle water on my face and then smell it. Some of them were scratching my body for tissue sample (I think). One of them started pulling my clothes (pants) and that’s when I got scared.  I had heard very bad things about aliens using probes. In previous encounters humans have complained aliens probing them in private areas in very bad manner. I thanked God when the alien failed to remove my pants, though, later I felt sorry for them as my sample might have given then necessary understanding of humans. After a while, drug kicked in and I lost all my senses. 

I came to senses around 5 O’clock in the morning. Aliens had left on the same street near the lamp post with my clothes torn and shoes missing. Damn aliens, I had to walk bare foot to the house, at least they could have given me lift to the home.

Video footage presented by channel Aaj Tak has well established existence of aliens and UFO visits. While ignorant people might argue that with such advance cameras and recording systems available why we are not able to take clear pictures or recordings of UFOs? The answer is, UFO's have anti-camera technology which can cause the photographer to take crap photos, not that they don't exist. They are slowly easing us into the fact that they are here rather than landing and causing mass hysteria. Few more years till we all get to meet them. Till then they will handpick lonely people, walking on the street to probe and gather facts about humans.

I am proud to be the first human who is neither a drug junkie nor a nut-job, being abducted by aliens (according to a poll 4 million Americans believe they have been abducted). I hope specimens taken from me will give aliens better understanding of normal, intellectual human species. Unlike many people who would make up such stories just to get publicity, I am telling you the truth. So, next time somebody doubts extra terrestrial life form, just tell him my story.