Faith

Faith is the Kajal mark put by your mother behind your ear to protect you from all evil eyes, or faith is the belief in baby’s smile in your catching ability when you throw him in the air and faith is the Nimbu-Mirchi mala hanging over your dashboard in your new car to keep it running in spite of all mechanical engineering.

For me faith was everything at one stage, it was my life, it was my struggle and my reason to live. It is hard to imagine how I felt when my doctor told me I had cancer. Even though I knew he might say that, but I wished he wouldn’t. Exactly at that moment my whole life shattered in front of me. I stood there, trembling in tears, shaking my head in disbelief and asking myself why me. I remember weeping on mother’s shoulder for hours. Doctor told me to be strong but I did not know how to be strong when there was no strength left in me. I did not know how to think forward, for me there was no past and there was no future, present was all I had. It was a feeling I had never felt before, a feeling of total detachment and realization how precious every moment is. Before leaving for TMH (Tata Memorial Hospital), I spent night just watching stars and crying alone on hostel roof. The day I left IIT for TMH, I hugged each one of my friends as if I was never going to see them again. I was never so close to them before.

I saw mother crying many times behind my back. She used to tell me everything is going to be fine, but I knew it was the only false hope which kept us going. Sometimes we both would just sit and cry and after a while she will wipe my tears and hug me so tightly that I knew there is nothing she would not do to help me. I could not sleep unless my head was in her lap and she was holding my hand. Sometimes few drops of tears would trickle down her cheek and fall on mine and I would not respond as if I did not notice that she was crying.

I found hope and strength at most unusual place, a world where life was lived in moments and a few moments they had left. From outside a cancer ward might seem a place of tiered bodies, but if watched closely it is a place with alive souls. TMH cancer ward was like a big family, a family with shared history and suffering; a relation stronger than anything. They taught me life is about living it. Real happiness in life comes from sharing moments with your loved ones. You have to live every moment to its full potential. Every moment enjoyed is a success. We used to celebrate each other’s moments and share every bodies sorrow. In the evening we all will pray together for well being of everybody and thank God for that day which we were able to share with other. We will plan for future events as if everything is fine, to keep the hope alive for a tomorrow. To us “Tomorrow” mattered and we knew its value. For us tomorrow was hope, tomorrow was life, and tomorrow was everything we had.

My stay at TMH ward gave me strength to look forward to tomorrow. I decided try not to worry about what is going to happen but to do best I can, with my remaining life. I started reading about cures and success rate. I started writing my diary again. I called everyone whom I had been rude and apologized for my behavior. I am not a hard believer in God. But I had lots of spare time which I needed to fill to keep me occupied. I started going to a close by temple. May be there was no purpose to it, or may be it was my faith that I had done nothing wrong and so God will not do wrong with me.

For me faith is hope, ray of light in complete darkness and strength to fight unbeatable. When you have nothing to hold on and whole world is sinking around you, you need a reason to believe that everything is going to be fine. Without that ray of hope you will only sink.

I do not know whether there is God or not, but for me there was God. He kept my faith alive and after 3 months of intense observation TMH told me I was found negative for cancer. Doctor hugged me and said that he can not imagine what I have been through and he was sorry for that. I almost cried in front of doctor.

I still remember when I got back to IIT, first person I saw was Abhishek and I hugged him for at least 5 minutes and none of us wanted to let it go. For me, it was rebirth. I still have mental scars from the incident and sometimes they haunt me. After the incident, I was highly depressed for 6 months. Doctors said it was natural to go under depression after such incidents. But it made the person who I am now; a sensitive, thinking man.

Joke

Read somewhere.

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball bat."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

Pay attention, Idiot! # Part 3 #

Chapter 4: What Future Holds

So far I have been trying to delay “money transfer” as long as I can, but further stalling may result in end of communication as he might guess my intentions. Apart from that, his lectures on urgency have started to creep me out.  You guys are lucky that you only get to read good stuff; I am the one who has to bear “fundas of Islam” and his repetitive reminder of money transfer like a broken CD, stuck at a note. This is perfect time to end this conversation on high note.

After giving it much thought, I have decided to end it following way.

# Even if he sends me any mail before coming Wednesday (September 8, 2012), I have decided not to reply. I am expecting him to send me an e-mail on Tuesday again reminding that I have to send rest of 400$ USD on Wednesday. #

Wednesday

from: Anand Mishra 
to: Immigration Malaysia
date: Wed, August 28, 2012
subject: VISA Processing fee transferred

Dear Sir,
Thanks for your help and patience. I always knew, Muslim brothers will always look after me. I can not say how much you have touched my heart. I never believed that anyone will come forward to this extent to offer help, to a complete stranger, and this has strengthened my faith in humanity. This year I will go to Hajj and free two white pigeons to show my revived faith in humanity.

As you had suggested in your earlier mails, I have transferred 400$ USD to the following account through Western union money transfer.
Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Immigration Department of Malaysia
Level 1-7 (Pondium) Block 2G4 Precint
Malaysia

MTCN for the transfer is 911-420- 9211. Usually money transfer is instantaneous with Western Union, but there might be delay in money transfer as there is 2.5 hours time difference between Malaysia and India. Kindly collect money after 2.5 hours as you would be on the same time as ours and finalize Visa process as quickly as possible.

Sir, my mother has already bought a chicken which we will eat the day I receive confirmation of my Visa.

Regards
Anand Mishra

$ Did you notice MTCN no? Call Police - A fraud – Running away with money. $

# He will laugh at my foolishness for a while and then will go for a stroll to collect money. He will argue with Western Union guy for a while only to realize that there is no money transferred to his name. Frustrated, he will write me again that money has not been transferred and I need to check at my end. I will not reply for another 2 days to frustrate him more. On Friday I will send him a final mail. #

Friday

from: Anand Mishra 
to: Immigration Malaysia, CALTEX Malaysia
date: Fri, August 30, 2010
subject: VISA Processing fee transferred

Hi Bros,
You called me brother once, so I will give you a free suggestion. If you want to save your ass then go underground for a while as Malaysian police is coming after you. I have been in regular contact with Malaysian cyber crime branch and sharing your mails with them. They were very intrigued with the offer and one of the officers actually wants to join your firm.

You guys are dumb bastards. I hinted you in the previous mail. My MTCN no was “Police coming-you frauds-run”. Anyways I had fun chatting with you guys. Do you remember the 5 pillars? You both can share the pillars and stick up your a**. Wait I believe you both are the same person, it is even better, at least now you won’t have fight who gets 3.

Hope you both rotten in Malaysian jail.

Anand Mishra

PS:
I never thought someone will have courage to run through my marathon second post. But, thanks to Divesh and Sumit who showed interest and gave me courage to write the final chapter. I hope you all really enjoyed it. Do not forget to write your honest comments.

I am planning to shift from lighter side to serious posts. I still have to write about my trip to India. Further plans are to ponder about faith and religion. A few posts on hope and then come back to satire.

15 August

तारीख : १५ August
नाम: समीर
उम्र: २१ साल
पेशा: Student, Undergraduate, Engineering
कल ही रात समीर ने एक धाँसू सा ब्लॉग लिखा था, "India at age 64: Reflection and Future ahead". Posting के एक घंटे के अंदर २० comments और ३० Interesting reactions देखकर वो काफी खुश हुआ. Third year से उसने Blog लिखना शुरू किया था और पिछले एक साल में उसकी काफी बड़ी following हो गयी थी. Final year का ज्यादा समय तो बाहर की Universities में apping करने में और Foreign की companies में apply करने में चला जाता है, पर फिर भी समीर blog के लिए तो समय निकल ही लेता है. पोस्ट में उसने politicians , naxals , media , Pakistan , Kalmadi सबकी ऐसी की तैसी कर डाली थी. पर readers को तो उसके post का second half बहुत भाया था जिसमे उसने जताया था की कैसे हम सब की जिम्मेदारी बनती है India के विकास में. Paying tax, voting for right candidate, community work, active participation in politics जैसे कर्तव्य सभी के इमानदारी से निभाने से ही India उन्नती कर सकेगा. खैर हमें उसकी post से क्या लेना देना.
आज वह रोज की तरह १० बजे जागेगा और  फिर चारो तरफ बजते देशभक्ति संगीत उसे याद दिलाएंगे की आज या तो २६ January है या फिर १५ August है. PC sharing से ४-५ देशभक्ति गाने download करके winamp पर enqueue कर देगा. करीब १२ बजे उसे एक बड़ी MNC से Job offer आने वाला है. ३ साल के contract पर उसे US में posting मिली है. समीर हमेशा US जाना चाहता था. आज शाम दोस्तों को जमकर party देगा और शायद उसकी अगली post US से होगी.

नाम: शर्मा जी 
उम्र: ४२ साल
पेशा: Government employee
पिछले १७ साल से शर्मा जी सरकार की सेवा में हैं पर उन्हें किसी चीज से सबसे ज्यादा खुन्नस है तो वो सरकार ही है. बढती महँगाई, ढलती उम्र और कुँवारी बेटी के बोझ को बस एक ही समय पूरी तरह भूल पाते हैं शर्मा जी, शाम की मित्र मंडली में. Politics का विषय छिड़ा नहीं कि शर्मा जी बोल पड़ते हैं, "साली, सारी सरकार चोर है. सारे नेता अपना pocket गर्म किये पड़े हैं, किसी को हमारी और देखने कि फुर्सत ही नहीं. कामचोर साले." यह अलग बात है कि शर्मा जी कभी vote डालने नहीं जाते, ऐसे भी उनके अकेले के vote से क्या फर्क पड़ेगा. 
जब भी कोई छुट्टी Sunday को पड़ती है, शर्मा जी का mood बिगड़ जाता है. शर्मा जी ने चाय पीते हुए TV on किया. शर्मा जी कभी भी budget session और स्वतंत्रता दिवस की झाँकी देखना नहीं भूलते. Prime Minister के भाषण शुरू होते ही उन्होंने TV switch off कर दिया, "चोर साले".

नाम: छोटू
उम्र: १७ साल
पेशा: चाय वाला
अगर आपने छोटू की स्पेशल चाय नहीं पीयी तो समझो आपने चाय नहीं पीयी कभी. Politics के अखाड़े से Bollywood की रंगीनियों तक, सब पर मंत्रणा होती है उसकी दुकान पर. अपने शर्मा जी छोटू की general चाय के regular customer हैं. छोटू ने कितनी बार चिकोटी लेते हुए शर्मा जी से कहा कि साहेब आज तो स्पेशल चाय पी लो, आज स्मार्ट लग रहे हो. शर्मा जी खीजते हुए कहते हैं, " इसी चाय को स्पेशल चाय कहकर ऊँचे दाम पर बेचता है, चोर कहींका." 
आज छोटू बहुत खुश है. चूल्हे के बगल में एक रूपये का तिरंगा उसने खोस रखा है. सवेरे से रेडिओ full volume पर लोकल FM से प्रसारित देशभक्ति गाना बजा रहा है, और छोटू पूरे मान से लता का साथ दे रहा है. उसकी निगाहें लगातार सामने से गुजरती Public schools की प्रभात फेरी पर जमी हैं. उसे school dress में बच्चे बहुत अछे लगते हैं. जब कोई teacher कतार तोड़ने वाले बच्चे की कान मरोरड़ता है तो छोटू बरबस मुस्कुरा पड़ता है. कारण उसे नहीं पता, पर आज वो खुश है.

"छोटू आज स्पेशल चाय लाना", शर्मा जी पहली बार प्रसन्नचित मुद्रा में थे.
"क्या बात है साहेब, आज बड़े खुश हो."
 "बेटे समीर की job US में लगी है. लगता है सरकारी engineering college में भी पढाई अच्छी ही होती है." आज उन्हें सरकार से कोई रोष नहीं था.
"आप तो स्पेशल चाय पीयो वो भी general चाय के दाम में."

आज सभी खुश हैं. हम, आप, समीर, शर्मा जी और छोटू. इस देश ने सभी को कुछ ना कुछ दिया है. क्या हम कभी इसका कर्ज उतर पाएँगे?

Pay attention, Idiot! # Part 2 #

Chapter 3: No one messes with ME!!

I hope by now you are familiar with the characters. Just to jog your memory:

Anand Mishra
Myself

Dr. Mohammed Rahman Ali
Employment Processing Manager
Caltex Oil Malaysia Limited
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Malaysian Immigration

Note:
Only parts of e-mails are produced here to save you from boring parts. Read comments as well, as they will fill you in about missing details.

#           #   ~ Comments used in place of e-mail
$           $   ~ General comments

So, once it was established that someone was trying to dupe me, I planned to get back to them. Idea was to give them false hope that I am really interested in what they have offered and somehow stall them and make them work for it. I was busy getting back to my normal life in Australia so I could not reply their emails. They grew impatient and then they sent me twice the copy of contract again. They even sent me 3 sms “Check your e-mail and do the needful. Caltex Oil”. There urgency was motivating for me.
To keep them involved and present myself as potential Bakra I asked immigration guy (Razak) to start the process copying mail to Rahman Ali. Below is the response.

from: Immigration Malaysia
to: Anand Mishra
date: Mon, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:16 PM
subject: VISA and Work Permit Processing   

Dear Anand Mohan Mishra,
We have also been contacted by Your Employer CALTEX OIL COMPANY regarding your request. We are willing to help you process the Visa and Work Permit and all other relevant documentations you may need to do in order to live and work successfully here in Malaysia.

We need some more details from you in order to proceed with the Visa and Working/Residence permit and other relevant documentations processing.

# Whole list of personal details like DOB, Age, Passport number etc. #

Please note that employee has is to take care of the following visa processing fee:
(a) Visa Application Fee = $323USD
(b) Commerce and Industry Fee = $329USD
(c) Foreign Affairs Fee = $328USD
Total fee to be paid = $980USD

The above Total Fee ($980USD) should be paid through western union money transfer which will be faster using the information below:

Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Immigration Department of Malaysia
Level 1-7 (Pondium) Block 2G4 Precint
Malaysia

$ Isn’t he smart. Money through Western Union. Quick way to transfer money. What did you think of Visa fee? I have never seen any country charging these kinds of fees. $

Kindly furnish us with the above information so that we can start up the processing of your Documents. We will get the Visa and Work Permit and other relevant documents for you within One week of receipt of the processing fee from you. We are enclosing our Visa application form for you to fill and return.

Looking forward to serving you better.

Best Regards,

Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Malaysian Immigration

$ Ya, that is not going to happen. $

# I did not reply for another couple of days. He sent me almost the same mail again. Even though he had sent me Visa application form, to piss him of, I sent him following e-mail. #

Dear Sir,
You did not attach Visa application form with last email and all this time I was waiting for you to send it. Kindly send the document so that we can expedite the process. I am concerned about the time constraint (20/8/10) and my worry is would I be able to finish the visa process before the desired date?
Regards
Anand

$ Trying to be genuine :) $

# He sent me an application form again. In the mean while I was keeping other guy busy by asking him lots of question on contract. Now I thought to bring some twist to the story. #

Anand Mishra to Caltex Malaysia
Date: Tue, Jul 20, 2012 at 8:18 AM

Dear Sir,
Following is the update on my visa process. I am in continuous conversation with Mr. Razak Badawi. For visa approval, processing fee of $980.00 USD is asked. Sir, I come from economically backward family and I will not be able to arrange the whole amount by myself. As days passes by I am also worried about the time constraint (20/8/10) before which I have to complete visa process. Sir, I have arranged $400.00 USD on my own and I still require another $580 USD for completing the process.

Sir, I believe all these expenses will be reimbursed within a week I join Caltex Malaysia. Along with that I will be given a month salary in advance as relocation amount. Sir is it possible to get $600.00 USD ahead and sent it to me, so that I can complete the visa process without delay. When I join the firm, it could be deducted from my reimbursement. I would be highly obliged if this help is provided to me. I have strong desire to work for Caltex and I do not want to miss the opportunity.

If it could not be arranged officially, I request you Sir, to kindly support me in this testing condition and I assure you to pay you back within a week of joining the firm. I would be highly obliged under your debt and will never forget your help in this testing condition.

If you give me kind consideration, my Western Union details are

Anand Mishra
14/A Bhoot Bangla, Pahadi Kuan
Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh
India

Eagerly waiting for some positive news.

Regards
Anand Mishra

$ At least I tried to get some money out of him. I knew exactly what his answer would be and it was as I had expected. $

Caltex Malaysia to Anand Mishra
Date: Tue, Jul 20, 2012 at 12:28 PM

Dear Anand Mohan Mishra‏,

I write to express my feelings to you. After going through your mail, I was deeply touched, more especially observing that you are a Muslim brother. INSHA ALLAH you will overcome the situation and join the leading team CALTEX.

$ What the hell. Religion card, well played bro. $

I want you to know that I have been helping you and I am ready to render more assistance to you but while doing that I should be mindful not to go against the five pillars of Islam because I am a Muslim who believes in the pillars.

$ What pillars he is talking about? $

However, because you are a Muslim brother, you have to send $480USD to Mr Razak Badawi while I will pay $500USD from my personal money on your behalf but you will refund me the money when you start work.

I will send the $500USD to Mr Razak Badawi of Malaysia immigration and also ask him to collection the balance of $480USD from you. You seem to be the first person that has really touched my heart to this extent.

I want you to evaluate the proposal and get back to me as quickly as possible. 

Regards,

Dr. Mohammed Rahman Ali

$ How sweet of him. So, I was able to keep his interest in me. $

# After that, I thanked my Muslim bro. Both frauds conveyed to me that there was a “real money” transfer between them next day and ball was in my court now and Visa process will start as soon as I transfer rest of 480$. I was suggested to give matter adequate urgency. I kept silence for a couple of days. He again sent me a mail giving lesson on urgency. Actually I was busy with one of my projects at work, so could not reply him. Today I sent immigration guy another mail. #

Anand Mishra to Immigration
Date: Fri, Jul 23, 2012 at 7:28 AM

Dear Sir,
I am sorry for the delay in response. For last two days I was busy arranging money. I have asked bank to loan me money. Because of our huge population, usually queues are very long everywhere in India. It is very hot in India and lady behind me in the queue had a baby and it was crying all the time. I almost had to stand 4hrs in queue to reach the counter.  It was hard to convince the accountant to loan me money as I come from economically backward family. On top of that, you have to bribe accountant to get your loan sanctioned. Only after he saw my letter of employment and salary amount he agreed to sanction me loan. He has asked 15% of the loan upfront as bribe which I delivered him yesterday in the evening at his home. He has assured me that I will get money on next Tuesday.

Sir, I have two requests for you. First one is, as you have received 500$ USD from my HR Manager, is it possible to start visa process as it is getting late and I do not want to miss the beautiful opportunity to live in Malaysia. I will transfer you rest of the money on Wednesday through Western Union.

Second humble request is that, I did not know before today that you have to bribe the accountant to get your loan approved. It is a huge set back for me as they could only sanction 500$USD to me out of which I gave him 75$ USD as bribe. I will only effectively receive 425$ USD from bank. Being a Muslim brother, I request you to help me in this critical condition. INSHA ALLAH, Allah is watching us and he will repay you when you will go to heaven. Sir, if you could assist me by 80$USD which I will return within a week of joining, I will be highly obliged. I will never forget your help in this matter. I will transfer rest of the money on Wednesday.

I have filled the form but I am not able to find a scanner in my locality to scan it and return it back. Is it ok if I send you the soft copy of filled form?

Regards and waiting for your kind support.

Anand

$ I had fun writing this e-mail. $

# In his response he agreed to put 80$ from his pocket and wait for me to transfer rest 400$ to his account on coming Wednesday. And they say, there are no more nice people in the world. I had touched his heart again. #

Next Post
Chapter 4: What Future Holds
Future still holds a lot for our relationship. I have faint idea in mind how it is going to pan out, but we will see. Anybody wants to suggest something is welcome to comment.

Pay attention, Idiot! # Part 1 #

All instances are real and thread of mails presented in this series is unaltered (original).
Genre: Crime, Thriller, Drama, Comedy. Just kidding. It is just another post.

Chapter 1: Selection

During my holidays I received an e-mail from Employment Processing Manager at Caltex Malaysia, Dr. Mohammed Rahman Ali, seeking my interest in their job openings. Benefits included following
1. Five Bedroom Flat Duplex
2. Free Medical & Travel Insurance
3.10 Days Leave / Vacation after Every 90 Working Days
4. Flight Fares (Air Tickets)
5. Free Education Scheme to Expatriates Children/Family
6. Free Toyota Camry 2010 Model.

Perks were so great that without any delay I started pursuing the selection process. They asked me to send my credentials to them. I replied back with my cover letter and resume. I wrote a few lines on how I was pretty much born to work in Malaysia and especially in their firm. They asked me to fill a questionnaire which I did. Kanchan only knows how much trouble I went through to fill that form. I was attending my brother’s marriage and deadline was on the same day. I was in village and so, I had to dictate answers to Kanchan over phone (cost me close to Rs 70) and then he sent it to Caltex. I had to share my Gmail password with him and he get to know a few of my dirty secrets. Don’t you Kanchan?

After few more formalities, the day my holiday ended in India, I received an employment offer from them, almost unbeatable on all grounds. Employment offer came with benefits mentioned above and 9,500$ USD (after tax) as monthly salary. I had to sign the attached employment offer and send it to HR at Caltex. Time frame to complete visa process was 20/8/12 and all the expenditure was to be reimbursed within a week of joining Caltex.  To make visa process easy for me, they had given me contact details of Head of Operations at Malaysian Immigration, Mr Razak Badawi.

You must be thinking where is the story?

Chapter 2: Something is Fishy here

I did well in BARC interview and then this offer; it was like dream come true. I reached Australia in high spirits. Just at the back of my mind, something was bothering me. The question was how did they get my details? Is it too good to be real? First question was kind of irrelevant as long as I had positive answer for 2nd one. I remembered registering with their career site once, so I was more focussed on 2nd question. After chat with my flatmate Arjun in Australia, we decided to look for truth.

Little bit of research suggested that everything is fake. Both Mr Razak Badawi and Dr. Mohammed Rahman Ali had e-mail address on free service provider @live.com. Usually big firms have there own e-mail account and for security reasons they do not use free service provider. So the trick was to delude candidates into getting visa and extract money as visa approval fee. I doubt that both were different person from the beginning.
I got fooled for a while, but when it comes to giving money to someone else, I an extra careful. It was time for revenge.

Next Post
Chapter 3: No one messes with ME!!

Next posts in this series will be thread of conversations between me and “My employer”. Story to abhi baaki hai mere dost.

For Her

This will be my last post for a long time, so I thought I should write something meaningful. This is for the light which made my world illuminated.

I asked her, “What do you see in me?” She said, “Everything”.

I liked her even before I had seen her. She is a child, a guide, a precious stone, a beautiful princess and someone who loved me unconditionally. She is innocent like a child and will complain about the whole world in the evening. Fir sure I know she does not like if queue would not move fast or airtel will send her a caller tune or someone who would not give seat to a old lady. She has a beautiful smile, expressive eyes, strong character and solid confidence. I like her because I want to see those eyes everyday, so innocent and so pure. Every expression feels like pure drops of dew on the grass blade. I like her because she could hear my gibberish intently for hours. I like her because she is imaginative.

When I met her first time, she was sorry. She had a flower basket in her one hand and ear in the other. She was sorry because she was late as she wanted to pick some flowers for me. All my frustration of wait vanished as soon as I saw her eyes. Her eyes were so expressive that I could tell she was really sorry. She has very beautiful eyes. You can see all her expressions through her eyes. Her eyes told me how happy she was to see me and how sad she was when I left her.

Someone ones told me never hurt a person who loves you, but the irony is we usually hurt then whom we love most. At the moment she is angry with me. She has all the right reasons to be angry. She may not come back but I will wait for her, as long as I can. All I have to do is keep hope.

P.S. I Love you

Blank Pages

A life is counted by moments, not by years.

Today was one of those days when I feel nothing, nothing at all, a total numbness. I feel so numb that I can hear silence in my head. These are the days when I question my existence. Each of these days is like a blank page in my diary, a page for which no one cares whether it is there or not. If I tear off all these blank pages from the dairy, I will be left with pages I have truly lived.

Today I want to feel pain, a shear pain which will wake me up from this numbness. No one feels more alive than a man out of breath swimming for shore. He knows he exists and he fights for it. Today I am not sure whether I will fight for my existence or not because I am unsure about my own existence.

Every week when I call my mother, she would ask me about what happened last week? Every time my answer would be “Nothing”. For a long time nothing has happened to my life. It is just stagnant. May be I am numb because I am stagnant.

What makes us feel alive? Why do you work – to live next day; what will you do tomorrow - work again to live next day. Are we living today just to live tomorrow? Is the whole point of living now come down to “just living” or “sustaining tomorrow”. When did we stopped living and started filling diaries with blank pages. I do not want to look back in 40 years and say all I did was survived last 40 years.

I am sorry, I am just too depressed.

Earth First

So sad but so true.

Live free and die Hard

Nearly 4 years ago, I had serious health problem which almost cost me my life. My duress almost run for 6 months and when I was given clean chit from doctors I was so relieved that I felt reborn.

"Rahiman vipda ho bhali, jo thode din hoye,
hit, unhit ya jagat me , jaani parat sab koye."

You can not imagine how being in such a situation where you can see your death inching towards you, can give you a totally different prospective of life. Every thing changes; your priorities, what you want from your life and what makes you really happy, and 6 month was long time to rethink every thing.
When whole thing was over, I sat and said to my self, “This is my new life, and I will not mess it up again.” I kind of made my “Bucket List”. After almost 4 years of the incident when I review my bucket list I find nothing has changed. I am still living in the shadow of my old self and it feels like my new self is dying again.  All the gratitude and joy of getting my life back has died under the burden of social responsibilities and materialistic issues. I have everything to gain in this life and I should not let it go, after all everybody does not get second chance. Today I promise myself that now onwards I will live every moment as I want to.