Teesri Kassam: Doosri Kassam

Smart people learn from their mistakes, wise people learn from the mistakes of others.

Gone are the days when you had to depend on pigeons to spread the word of love and wait for another month to get her reply back. Half of the time poor birds used to get confused making wrong connections like delivering my mails to your girl friend (and you used to blame me).
Pope and catholic nun fantasy must have started something like this. Pope writes a letter to choir kids who were bored of routine night prayer practice. Pigeon makes mistake and nun gets the message saying “Tonight we will have fun. We will do role play. ~ Pope”. It is perfect example of how an innocent message becomes raunchy topic due to an honest mistake.

Thanks to advances in science, love now knows no boundaries.  Reliance and social networking sites has helped love grow faster and quicker. On the negative side, the social networking sites have also given birth to a new generation of Net Romeos, stalking every female profile across globe. If you really want to imagine the pain of a Brazilian girl who receives thousands of friend requests daily on Orkut (from horney Indians), you have to think of how you feel when you get unsolicited sms from Airtel about their nonsense promotions.

Where there is demand and desperation, there will be Con man. Last week my friend decided to meet his six month old love in Rave Movie Theater only to find his own room mate as his lover. No wonder my mother said to me to stick to arrange marriage. 

But I slipped from the promise and fell in love with her.  Nearly a year ago I saw her profile on Orkut and you can say I fell in love with her on the first sight. She looked so beautiful in the profile pic that I couldn’t resist to write her a scrap. I still remember the words, “Will you be my friend.”  Though her album showed 42 snaps uploaded, but I couldn’t see them as they were locked and I had to wait for her friendship approval which I requested just after writing her that scrap. Seven days later almost when I had forgotten her, I received a scrap from her asking about my details. We were taking it slow and remained in Orkut stage for a month.

Usually web based love grows spiraling through four stages.  Orkut stage (or introductory stage) lasts for 10 days where both parties get to know each other on basic level. Since privacy is an issue with Orkut, love moves to second stage, G-Talk stage. In this stage both lovers gets more comfortable with each other gathering various personal information like count of previous boyfriends (/girlfriends). They also start sharing their pictures to each other and male will change his computer password based on her name. This stage nearly lasts for 2 months. Then lovers move to Phone stage. In this stage, phone bills start increasing and finally both parties switch to Reliance as it gives free talk time to other Reliance phones during night. At this stage lovers mostly discuss their daily routine like when did they take shower or what she bought from the market. At this stage both agrees that they love each other and can not live without each other.  Then finally comes fourth stage, Face to Face stage. Both decide to meet somewhere to discuss how they are going to disclose their love to their parents.

We took time to grow our love. For once in my life everything was beautiful and romantic. Nothing worried me, not even my falling grades as I had the power of love. I started listening to Ricky Matin (at that time he wasn’t gay). As phone bill started to climb, I switched to Reliance.

We were about to enter our fourth stage, when the catastrophe happened.  I read in the news about poor Shoaib Malik being cheated by Ayesha. I wondered how people do not have any morality left; the way Ayesha sent somebody else’s picture and deluded him to marry her.  I always believed in learning from the mistakes of others. I did not want to be next Shoaib, so I called and told her that I was sorry for breaking up as I feared she might have also sent someone else’s picture too. After she pleaded me, I told her I will only consider after we meet together.  A week ago I met her; she was more beautiful than her pictures and I thought, I was fool to even think about breaking with her.

I do not know what went wrong in the meeting; she is not picking up her phone since then. I tried calling her repeatedly. Today operator was saying, “This number does not exist.” I have already started to search for new profile. By the way, if you are on Orkut and available let me know.

How can I forget someone has also said that "Never listen to a moron". Shoaib's lies cost me my love. I took a pledge to "Never learn from morons' mistakes." Wait, I hope you consider me wise, otherwise it will be very confusing to you.

A True Behen Ji

"In U.P., it is easier to count number of stars in the sky than counting Mayawati’s statues."

In exciting news, recent survey done by NCP (National Commission on Population) has shown reduced fertility rate (nearly halved) in U.P. since Mayawati started erecting her own statues. Scientists are yet to confirm, but initial results show that significant loss in sexual appetite after even visualizing U.P. chief minister. Spokesperson of NCP, Nityanand Durachari, said in an interview, “It could be a major break through in the field of family planning. It seems like Mayawati’s erected statues have negative impact on other sorts of erection. Imagine what happens to a common man who is on a daily basis exposed to nearly hundreds of her statues. She is true “Behen Ji” unlike nurses who are called “Sisters” but everybody keeps drooling over them.” He continued further, “NCP is going to recommend it to Government and will encourage other states also to build her statues. We are also going to recommend hospitals to distribute her miniature statues along with condoms as a family planning initiative. NCP thinks it is excellent way of natural family planning.”

When chief minister was asked about it, she said that she had always national interest at heart. “I feel sad when huge number of U.P.ites are born every year just get beaten in Maharashtra. I did not want that for my kids and so I remain unmarried. Why else do you think I did not get married?” “U.P. is highest populated state in India. After discussing the issue with my advisers, we decided to divide U.P. in 5 separate states, so that population of U.P. becomes less. But central Government would not understand such easy fixes.” said Mayawati.

“Now I am thinking global. This year I went “green” by accepting multicrore garland made of notes. I did not want my followers to pluck flowers.” “Somebody told me that tree pulp is used for making notes. I suggest my followers to make a “check” (bank) garland next year, so that I can capture all their love by damaging environment least”.

“India has a tradition of molesting poor dalits, so I was targeted by Supreme Court. Now, nobody from SC will comment on the findings. I can only say, in your face SC.”  and Mayawati left to cut a 52 kg cake made especially for her birthday.

Babul Ki Duayen Leti Ja

[I swear to you, I tried my best not to write about Sania’s marriage AKA Shoaibs’s marriage controversy, but I think it was inevitable, after all being a blogger I can not keep distance from such juicy story.]

Since childhood mud was my favorite playing object. I loved throwing mud at others and perhaps that is why I still love mudslinging at others. Spreading rumors and twisting facts to defame others is oxygen to my life. But this particular story does not need any of my effort, it is already spiced enough, ready to be served and enjoyed.

It is a story of two losers, one axed from his cricket team and other never progressed further to second round (provided she was not injured, Question: If she hardly used to play, how the hell she used to get injured in the first place?) in tennis. I do not want to write about already troubled poor Shoaib Malik, after all innocent Malik was cheated by cunning Ayesha as she send him snaps of more attractive woman (even though he has seen her in person as both have picture and video together with  Ayesha’s family) and he was lured to marriage. 

Other looser is Hayderabadi, self proclaimed extraordinary tennis player who’s out standing (not outstanding) performances in tennis never won her anything in the field. Many claim that she was good for Indian tennis; people started taking interest in game. I am not sure about other Indians but my grandfather certainly started watching women’s tennis since then. He would never miss a game. Once, I just to test his knowledge about game asked a question and he replied that he hardly understands any rule of the game. Then I asked him, why the hell he watches the game them. His reply still amuses me, he told me “Who watches women’s tennis for game? If I was really interested in game, would not I watch men’s tennis? It is just good for your eyes.”  I could not agree more. If you know your game, you know what to look at.

I hardly followed her career, only because, there was nothing to follow. If I have to admire a woman sports ambassador, I will go for Saina Nehwal, who can be as hot as she plays when she wants. I still think we haven’t got all the juice from the story. Media needs to poke Sohrab Mirza (earlier engaged to Sania Mirza) on how she embarrassed her. We need more photos of Ayesha and Sohaib. In between if someone is married to Sania, he should also come forward. Let the juice flow.

It is ironically hilarious when celebrities say they should be left alone and their private life is nobody’s business. When they are on top of their world, they never miss an opportunity to come on page-3, they speak about their common cold as if it is of public interest, then why we will leave you alone when for the first time there is something for us. We will peep so badly in your life, that you will know what being celebrity means. Yeah, it is our business.