A True Behen Ji

"In U.P., it is easier to count number of stars in the sky than counting Mayawati’s statues."

In exciting news, recent survey done by NCP (National Commission on Population) has shown reduced fertility rate (nearly halved) in U.P. since Mayawati started erecting her own statues. Scientists are yet to confirm, but initial results show that significant loss in sexual appetite after even visualizing U.P. chief minister. Spokesperson of NCP, Nityanand Durachari, said in an interview, “It could be a major break through in the field of family planning. It seems like Mayawati’s erected statues have negative impact on other sorts of erection. Imagine what happens to a common man who is on a daily basis exposed to nearly hundreds of her statues. She is true “Behen Ji” unlike nurses who are called “Sisters” but everybody keeps drooling over them.” He continued further, “NCP is going to recommend it to Government and will encourage other states also to build her statues. We are also going to recommend hospitals to distribute her miniature statues along with condoms as a family planning initiative. NCP thinks it is excellent way of natural family planning.”

When chief minister was asked about it, she said that she had always national interest at heart. “I feel sad when huge number of U.P.ites are born every year just get beaten in Maharashtra. I did not want that for my kids and so I remain unmarried. Why else do you think I did not get married?” “U.P. is highest populated state in India. After discussing the issue with my advisers, we decided to divide U.P. in 5 separate states, so that population of U.P. becomes less. But central Government would not understand such easy fixes.” said Mayawati.

“Now I am thinking global. This year I went “green” by accepting multicrore garland made of notes. I did not want my followers to pluck flowers.” “Somebody told me that tree pulp is used for making notes. I suggest my followers to make a “check” (bank) garland next year, so that I can capture all their love by damaging environment least”.

“India has a tradition of molesting poor dalits, so I was targeted by Supreme Court. Now, nobody from SC will comment on the findings. I can only say, in your face SC.”  and Mayawati left to cut a 52 kg cake made especially for her birthday.

Babul Ki Duayen Leti Ja

[I swear to you, I tried my best not to write about Sania’s marriage AKA Shoaibs’s marriage controversy, but I think it was inevitable, after all being a blogger I can not keep distance from such juicy story.]

Since childhood mud was my favorite playing object. I loved throwing mud at others and perhaps that is why I still love mudslinging at others. Spreading rumors and twisting facts to defame others is oxygen to my life. But this particular story does not need any of my effort, it is already spiced enough, ready to be served and enjoyed.

It is a story of two losers, one axed from his cricket team and other never progressed further to second round (provided she was not injured, Question: If she hardly used to play, how the hell she used to get injured in the first place?) in tennis. I do not want to write about already troubled poor Shoaib Malik, after all innocent Malik was cheated by cunning Ayesha as she send him snaps of more attractive woman (even though he has seen her in person as both have picture and video together with  Ayesha’s family) and he was lured to marriage. 

Other looser is Hayderabadi, self proclaimed extraordinary tennis player who’s out standing (not outstanding) performances in tennis never won her anything in the field. Many claim that she was good for Indian tennis; people started taking interest in game. I am not sure about other Indians but my grandfather certainly started watching women’s tennis since then. He would never miss a game. Once, I just to test his knowledge about game asked a question and he replied that he hardly understands any rule of the game. Then I asked him, why the hell he watches the game them. His reply still amuses me, he told me “Who watches women’s tennis for game? If I was really interested in game, would not I watch men’s tennis? It is just good for your eyes.”  I could not agree more. If you know your game, you know what to look at.

I hardly followed her career, only because, there was nothing to follow. If I have to admire a woman sports ambassador, I will go for Saina Nehwal, who can be as hot as she plays when she wants. I still think we haven’t got all the juice from the story. Media needs to poke Sohrab Mirza (earlier engaged to Sania Mirza) on how she embarrassed her. We need more photos of Ayesha and Sohaib. In between if someone is married to Sania, he should also come forward. Let the juice flow.

It is ironically hilarious when celebrities say they should be left alone and their private life is nobody’s business. When they are on top of their world, they never miss an opportunity to come on page-3, they speak about their common cold as if it is of public interest, then why we will leave you alone when for the first time there is something for us. We will peep so badly in your life, that you will know what being celebrity means. Yeah, it is our business.

It is a Loooong Wait

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

Dear reader, kindly bear in mind that, this post may have mild sexual reference. If you are a pervert, I am sorry to disappoint you because this is not an erotic story either. For links to erotic stories, message me or Pratap (name has not been changed to reveal the true identity) privately [:)].

My brother is getting married in June. He couldn’t be happier, and why he shouldn’t be? Two months from now, he wouldn’t have to worry even if a Gabbar Singh asks for his both hands.

I am happy too, not solely for him, after all him gone from the queue, people will now focus on me. Even though, last couple of years, openly I pretend to be indifferent towards my marriage talks, but secretly I have been eavesdropping and poking around for the facts. I think it has its own share of fun. Any new proposal makes my heart beat faster and I think “This Is IT” while every failed one makes my wait eternal.

It is not that I am afraid of doing my work on my own, but it would be nice for change. My hands are tired; colour of my palm is rubbed out; palm readers are having difficulty locating lines and worst of all I am running out of imagination. Sometimes I wonder if anyone has rubbed even an ordinary lamp so many times, it would have produced a Jeannie.

I have been dropping hints for last three years, but my insensitive parents did not take any notice. To make it easier for them, I have been using cliche like; I have been feeling lonely lately, mummy needs to relax, my all friends are getting married and even spoke in favor of child marriage, but why parents who fulfill all the desires of their children fail to realize such obvious need. Parents still thinks that we will shy on the topic like 10 year old kid. I will do favor to my son and will marry him when he will be 15, he will be in-debt for life.  See below G-Talk conversation between me and my friend.

Friend: Arrey abhi maze daar kissa hua hamare ghar mein. Hamare liye rishta aaya.
Anand: Sahi.
Friend: To hamare pitaji hamein bata rahe they. To hamne poocha " papa aapne kya bola"
Anand: Hmm.
Friend: Papa bole "Bete se pooch kar batayenge."
Anand: To tumne kya bola ?
Friend: To hamne kaha "Papa, photo to mangwa hi lijiye."
Anand: :)
Friend: Usper hamare pitaji itne barse, unhe ummed thi ki hum sharma kar bolenge.
Anand: To poocha hi kyon :)
Friend: Masti aa gayi.
Anand: :). Bhai ab kuch kar ke dikho ki pitaji ko bhi lage ki tum jimmedari sambhal sakte ho. Doosra upay hai ki bolo ki mummy ghar par kaam karti hai mujhse dekha nahi jata.
Friend: :). Ya phir bolo "pitaji ab mummy bhoodi ho gayi hain, unhen arram ki aawashyakta hai."
Anand: Aisa pelenge pitaji aur bacha kasar mummy ne sun liya to nikal dengi. Kuch ke parents to graduate hote hi haath dho kar peeche pad gaye ki kar hi lo par hamare ghar wale hi itne insensitive nikle. Unko bhi bachhe ka kasht samajhna chahiye.
Friend: Yaar yeh man baap bachche ki har zaroorat ka khayal rakhte hain. Keval is mamle mein sub maat kha jaate hain.
Anand: :)
Friend: Mein apne bachchon ka to bal vivah karva doonga. Zindagi bhar mera ehsaan mangenge.
Anand: Sahi hai. :)

Life is nothing like movies, where you go to neighbor for a cup of milk and fun starts.  I haven’t found a kinky air hostess during flight like movies either. I do not have kids, so I am not sure about baby sitters though. My point is, when we have to settle for regular fun, what is point in delaying it?

One of my friends told me that post makes me look desperate, so what, this post is for all despo bros.

How Far is too Far

M F Hussain in news again by accepting Qatar nationality and with this started discussion on how much he was justified in painting Hindu Deities naked. I watched a few of them and was really disappointed in the way intellectuals were justifying his painting by considering it an artistic freedom of expression.  

I am a man with common intelligence, but still, I know freedom must end were it starts offending others. Freedom of expression is undoubtedly an essential human right but like every right, it also has a boundary. Even in contemporary modern and free world (for “intellectual Indians”, modern and western world are synonyms) they extra precaution that they do not hurt somebody’s sentiments and perhaps that is why Black or Nigger people are not called by respective names. Any painter or artist is not different than a common man and so does not have "special" privilege to do as they wish even if it offends common people sentiments.

What is wrong in painting goddess naked?

What I do not understand is why to show one’s creativity, one has to go to that extreme which  is quite offensive to a huge section of population. Those “modern intellectuals” who doubt that the paintings were not offensive to all people; I want them to do two simple tasks. 1. A calculation:  How many Hindus reside in India and what percent of that will be offended by Hussain's paintings? I am sure, no matter how small this number would be, it will certainly be many times more than so called “intellectual liberals” in India. 2. A task: I would like these modern liberals to hang these paintings in their living room where everyday, they can enjoy these paintings with their whole family. I might be going too far, but how these modern liberals would like to get their mothers painted in completely nudity by great M F Hussain himself?  

Some people might argue that, it is just a painting and what difference does it make? It is not about any arbitrary painting, one needs to see things in context, what it stands for. A painting of goddess Durga stands for all the faith, believes and respect millions of people invest in that painting. It becomes more than a painting, an idea or an icon. This question is not about Shiv sena, Bajrang Dal or BJP, as a common man, I feel offended and so do many Hindus. If we do not come to street or throw stones on art galleries, does not mean that a common man is not offended. The hypocrisy of Hussain’s creativity is that he does not get creative while painting Prophet’s daughter or his own daughter.  He must realize that some things are sacred and everything can not be done under the freedom of expression. May be these strict boundaries differentiate us from western world for good. With huge drive to be westernizing in copycat manner, India still has to go miles to complete the transformation.

The problem with copycat westernization is that we are copying everything blindly without understanding the basics. Western culture stands for more than nudity and fast track superficial life; it stands for equality, honesty and professionalism. But sadly we are only able to see nudity and insensitivity in western culture. We started copying TV programmes without understanding whether these are suited for our society or not. A country where talking about sex is considered taboo, on the show “Sach ka Samna” contestant were asked about there ex and pre marital affairs. Funny thing is, producer justified in interviews that telling truth is what Gandhi Ji advocated and there is nothing wrong with it. But I am sure Gandhi Ji would have not liked to watch the kind of truth “Sach Ka Samna” was selling. Perhaps he was ignorant to acknowledge “Satyam bruyat priyam bruyat, na bruyat satyam apriyampriyam”. Do we really need to stoop so low at the level of cultural cannibalism for entertainment? Why can not we have a proper, fresh creativity which does not draw provocation?

Coming back to Hussain, criticizing a religion or its norms is tolerable but blasphemy against religion should not be tolerated. A line needs to drawn for creativity of artists who keeps challenging boundaries. Some things are simply not acceptable. No one should be able to sell porn on television justifying it by saying it his way of expression of love. An artist has freedom to have ideas, even paint them but not to make them public if it is going to hurt people’s sentiment.

Railway Budget 2010-2011: Paparazzi keep Devegowda awake during whole Rail Budget

Mamta Banerjee reached parliament in her new Tata Nano, dressed in her favorite light yellow-coloured saree carrying her trademark Jhola to deliver second Railway Budget of the current United Progressive Alliance Government in Lok Sabha today. Telecasting from beginning to the end, DD-1 conceded budget session is the only time of the year when it gets maximum (only) viewership. Continuing tradition of past railway ministers she kept promising goodies until almost every viewer in India got satisfied and turned off their TV sets (except old generation stuck to television set watching and analyzing live telecast as if it is really going to make any radical change in their life).  Among many attractive highlights, the tag line of this rail budget was the statement made by Didi “The Railway Budget 2010 is for the people and of the people and by the people” …….yeah yeah yeah, Lincoln again.

This year Didi promised 54 new trains out of which unlike other trains, 14 trains will run only one way; from Mumbai to Bihar. The decision was taken considering the current tense situation in Mumbai; she further explained that it will help in reducing number of North Indians in Mumbai. While BJP bitched about the decision, by declaring it MNS pleasing; MNS raised concern by stating it UPA’s meticulous move to erase their only political issue. Didi also promised 12 Durantos (non stop) trains as she recognizes these trains are hour of need, especially for trains crossing Bihar (4 Durantos will cross Bihar non-stop). She also said that considering frequent chain-pullings in Bihar, she is thinking of declaring all train crossing Bihar, Durantos.

Due to repeated sexual harassment of India's women commuters, eight trains will be designated as women-only. Though she personally felt it was not an issue as she said, “I have traveled by train in my whole life but nobody ever teased me…….. DAAAAHH but Rahul baba has been complaining about it.”

She announced railway is working under “Railways 2020 vision” and all the promises she had made but not fulfilled yet are long term goals under this vision. In critical analysis of this vision, AAJ TAK (India’s sabse tej news channel) said that this was a foolish move as world is anyway going to be destroyed in the year 2012. 

She also announced special train between India and Bangladesh to be started to commemorate 150th birth anniversary of Rabindranath Tagore to facilitate illegal immigration from Bangladesh.

In between all these promises, news channels were keeping an eye on the former Prime Minister H.D. Devegowda, ready to click his sleeping photo for “Sleeping Devegowda” calendar. Aware of the situation, he showed them his rare photo (left) with his both eyes open. At the end he was very much angry with the paparazzi, as because of them he has to be awake during whole parliament session for the first time.   

At the end Lok Sabha speaker Mira Kumar thanked MP’s for, most of them being awake for major part of the session. She also conceded last two railway budgets have been boring and remembered Lalu Yadav for presenting funnier Railway budgets.

A Wednesday

"They've asked this question on a Friday, repeated on Tuesday and I am just replying it on a Wednesday." 

It is a movie you can not miss. With talented script, fast pace and bold message, it stands out among many recent Bollywood movies. Unlike non-commercial movies, it is entertaining as well as symbolic too. Everything feels so real and true when in the end Naseeruddin Shah reveals his identity. Movie speaks on behalf of all common man in India who are just afraid to go out because of all nonsense created by terrorists. How long will our judiciary system needs to prove Kasab is a terrorist? Do we really need a trial to see whether he was guilty in Mumbai attack or not? As rightly said in the movie - We do not kill cockroaches; we pet them till somebody holds country ransom and finally frees them. 

Flawless acting from both maestros Naseeruddin Shah and Anupam Kher does justice with the story. It is a movie with heart and soul, watch it to feel it.

World is changing, and so is Everyone

Have you seen kids on the streets, everybody has got at least one mobile. Do not know what and whom they are talking to, but it has to be something important. I think future generation has already taken the responsibility of world on their shoulder and they are talking their way to create better future among themselves. They just have not got enough talk time to deal with the situation. Parents in vain preying intentions trying to get clues from their confidential discussions, but our little masters do it better than our Union Home minister P. Chidambaram.

In coming years mobile will become such a necessity, that God will understand the basic need and create human models with inbuilt cell phones. Imagine a kid just born talking to God on his phone “Do not worry, I came out f9. Do u want 2 talk 2 my doctor? No, OK. GTG. It is shower time.”  

Call me old fashioned, but I do not welcome change easily. I like the things old ways, the way I am used to it. Technology is intimidating to me. By the time I got used to Nokia 1100, already E series, N series and God knows what, was already in the market. Someone told me about some “BlueBerry” phone, on which you can do web browsing, internet faxing and many more. My friend was showing me a mobile phone which had inbuilt camera in it. Can you believe that? It is just too much to catch up.

I joined Orkut in my first year of under graduate study. After four years of hard labour I made somewhat 300 friends. I never wrote a scrap to nearly 2/3rd of them, but that was my society. Somebody caste a spell on my society, it is loosing touch. All my friends are moving to some new social group called Facebook. People say it is better than Orkut because you can give tests to find out answers of various complicated questions like “Which Harry Potter Character Are You? Does She like me?  What is the First Name of the Person You Will Marry?” etc. May be Facebook is better, but I am not the one who leaves the sinking ship behind.

Technology might have solved various challenging problems like – Here in Australia, you can SMS “NAME B or G” (B for boy and G for Girl) at 5555 to get suggestion for your baby’s name – but have generated new problems too. These social network websites may provide us global exposure, but are we sure we know who our next door neighbors are? We are dependent on greeting cards to express our emotions. I always buy my calling card from an old man’s shop. One day my flat mate asked me, “Why do not you buy your cards online? It would be easier.” I told him, “You know he is probably the first Australian who knows me by my name. Whenever I go to his shop, he smiles at me and without asking me anything gives me my card. I do not want to miss such precious human feeling.”

So what if I do not like the change; it is just too much activity for me.