Faith is the Kajal mark put by your mother behind your ear to protect you from all evil eyes, or faith is the belief in baby’s smile in your catching ability when you throw him in the air and faith is the Nimbu-Mirchi mala hanging over your dashboard in your new car to keep it running in spite of all mechanical engineering.
For me faith was everything at one stage, it was my life, it was my struggle and my reason to live. It is hard to imagine how I felt when my doctor told me I had cancer. Even though I knew he might say that, but I wished he wouldn’t. Exactly at that moment my whole life shattered in front of me. I stood there, trembling in tears, shaking my head in disbelief and asking myself why me. I remember weeping on mother’s shoulder for hours. Doctor told me to be strong but I did not know how to be strong when there was no strength left in me. I did not know how to think forward, for me there was no past and there was no future, present was all I had. It was a feeling I had never felt before, a feeling of total detachment and realization how precious every moment is. Before leaving for TMH (Tata Memorial Hospital), I spent night just watching stars and crying alone on hostel roof. The day I left IIT for TMH, I hugged each one of my friends as if I was never going to see them again. I was never so close to them before.
I saw mother crying many times behind my back. She used to tell me everything is going to be fine, but I knew it was the only false hope which kept us going. Sometimes we both would just sit and cry and after a while she will wipe my tears and hug me so tightly that I knew there is nothing she would not do to help me. I could not sleep unless my head was in her lap and she was holding my hand. Sometimes few drops of tears would trickle down her cheek and fall on mine and I would not respond as if I did not notice that she was crying.
I found hope and strength at most unusual place, a world where life was lived in moments and a few moments they had left. From outside a cancer ward might seem a place of tiered bodies, but if watched closely it is a place with alive souls. TMH cancer ward was like a big family, a family with shared history and suffering; a relation stronger than anything. They taught me life is about living it. Real happiness in life comes from sharing moments with your loved ones. You have to live every moment to its full potential. Every moment enjoyed is a success. We used to celebrate each other’s moments and share every bodies sorrow. In the evening we all will pray together for well being of everybody and thank God for that day which we were able to share with other. We will plan for future events as if everything is fine, to keep the hope alive for a tomorrow. To us “Tomorrow” mattered and we knew its value. For us tomorrow was hope, tomorrow was life, and tomorrow was everything we had.
My stay at TMH ward gave me strength to look forward to tomorrow. I decided try not to worry about what is going to happen but to do best I can, with my remaining life. I started reading about cures and success rate. I started writing my diary again. I called everyone whom I had been rude and apologized for my behavior. I am not a hard believer in God. But I had lots of spare time which I needed to fill to keep me occupied. I started going to a close by temple. May be there was no purpose to it, or may be it was my faith that I had done nothing wrong and so God will not do wrong with me.
For me faith was everything at one stage, it was my life, it was my struggle and my reason to live. It is hard to imagine how I felt when my doctor told me I had cancer. Even though I knew he might say that, but I wished he wouldn’t. Exactly at that moment my whole life shattered in front of me. I stood there, trembling in tears, shaking my head in disbelief and asking myself why me. I remember weeping on mother’s shoulder for hours. Doctor told me to be strong but I did not know how to be strong when there was no strength left in me. I did not know how to think forward, for me there was no past and there was no future, present was all I had. It was a feeling I had never felt before, a feeling of total detachment and realization how precious every moment is. Before leaving for TMH (Tata Memorial Hospital), I spent night just watching stars and crying alone on hostel roof. The day I left IIT for TMH, I hugged each one of my friends as if I was never going to see them again. I was never so close to them before.
I saw mother crying many times behind my back. She used to tell me everything is going to be fine, but I knew it was the only false hope which kept us going. Sometimes we both would just sit and cry and after a while she will wipe my tears and hug me so tightly that I knew there is nothing she would not do to help me. I could not sleep unless my head was in her lap and she was holding my hand. Sometimes few drops of tears would trickle down her cheek and fall on mine and I would not respond as if I did not notice that she was crying.
I found hope and strength at most unusual place, a world where life was lived in moments and a few moments they had left. From outside a cancer ward might seem a place of tiered bodies, but if watched closely it is a place with alive souls. TMH cancer ward was like a big family, a family with shared history and suffering; a relation stronger than anything. They taught me life is about living it. Real happiness in life comes from sharing moments with your loved ones. You have to live every moment to its full potential. Every moment enjoyed is a success. We used to celebrate each other’s moments and share every bodies sorrow. In the evening we all will pray together for well being of everybody and thank God for that day which we were able to share with other. We will plan for future events as if everything is fine, to keep the hope alive for a tomorrow. To us “Tomorrow” mattered and we knew its value. For us tomorrow was hope, tomorrow was life, and tomorrow was everything we had.
My stay at TMH ward gave me strength to look forward to tomorrow. I decided try not to worry about what is going to happen but to do best I can, with my remaining life. I started reading about cures and success rate. I started writing my diary again. I called everyone whom I had been rude and apologized for my behavior. I am not a hard believer in God. But I had lots of spare time which I needed to fill to keep me occupied. I started going to a close by temple. May be there was no purpose to it, or may be it was my faith that I had done nothing wrong and so God will not do wrong with me.
For me faith is hope, ray of light in complete darkness and strength to fight unbeatable. When you have nothing to hold on and whole world is sinking around you, you need a reason to believe that everything is going to be fine. Without that ray of hope you will only sink.
I do not know whether there is God or not, but for me there was God. He kept my faith alive and after 3 months of intense observation TMH told me I was found negative for cancer. Doctor hugged me and said that he can not imagine what I have been through and he was sorry for that. I almost cried in front of doctor.
I still remember when I got back to IIT, first person I saw was Abhishek and I hugged him for at least 5 minutes and none of us wanted to let it go. For me, it was rebirth. I still have mental scars from the incident and sometimes they haunt me. After the incident, I was highly depressed for 6 months. Doctors said it was natural to go under depression after such incidents. But it made the person who I am now; a sensitive, thinking man.
I do not know whether there is God or not, but for me there was God. He kept my faith alive and after 3 months of intense observation TMH told me I was found negative for cancer. Doctor hugged me and said that he can not imagine what I have been through and he was sorry for that. I almost cried in front of doctor.
I still remember when I got back to IIT, first person I saw was Abhishek and I hugged him for at least 5 minutes and none of us wanted to let it go. For me, it was rebirth. I still have mental scars from the incident and sometimes they haunt me. After the incident, I was highly depressed for 6 months. Doctors said it was natural to go under depression after such incidents. But it made the person who I am now; a sensitive, thinking man.
