Vimla Mausi

सामान शिफ्ट करते, शाम के 4 बज गए. नये मकान की लोकेशन अच्छी है. बस पांच मिनट पैदल स्टेशन है.

"खीर बना रही हूँ, खा कर ही मार्केट जाना." कहकर उमा kitchen में घुस गयी.
"थोडा ज्यादा खीर बनाना. कुछ पड़ोसियों में भी बाँट आयेंगे. इसी बहाने पहचान भी हो जाएगी." मैंने जोर से कहा.
"अरे बाबा kitchen में ही हूँ चाँद पर थोड़े ही ना गयी हूँ जो इतना चिल्ला रहे हो. " उसने kitchen से झांकते हुए मुस्कुरा कर कहा. इस कांग्रेस की सरकार में, उसकी मुस्कुराहट की ही तो price अब तक नहीं बढ़ी. 

पड़ोसियों से शाम की वार्तालाप के बाद एक बात तो समझ में आ गई थी कि सामने वाली विमला मौसी काफी famous हैं.  कारण कोई बताने को तैयार नहीं था, सब बस कह रहे थे कि कुछ दिनों में आप खुद समझ जाइएगा.

सवेरे नींद खुली तो पता चला कि सामने वाली विमला मौसी ने आसमान सर पर उठा रखा है. किसी ने motorcycle रात में उनके फाटक के सामने पार्क कर दिया था.  चाय पीते हुए मैंने उमा को कहा कि जिसकी भी bike है, वो तो गया काम से. उमा ने खिड़की से बाहर झांकते हुए कहा कि "लग तो अपनी ही रही है".

मैंने चाय का प्याला जल्दी से नीचे रखा और तेज क़दमों से बाहर निकल गया.
"मौसी वो कल जल्दबाजी में गलती हो गयी." bike अपने campus में करते हुए मैंने कहा. बदकिस्मती से reverse करते वक्त motorcycle ने पास बंधी गाय को ठोकर मार दिया. बस फिर क्या था, मनो मौसी की पूँछ में आग लगा गयी हो. मौसी ने मेरे और उमा के सात पुश्तों को कोस डाला. सारे पडोसी बाहर खड़े होकर आनंद ले रहे थे. 

"अब समझ आया कि विमला मौसी क्यों famous हैं. बहुत दिनों बाद दुबारा ऐसी गलियाँ सुनने का मौका लगा." मैंने उमा से मुस्कुरा कर कहा. उधर मौसी जी अभी भी सुवचन बाँट रही थीं.

कुछ ही दिनों में हम मौसी को अच्छी तरह जान गए. विमला मौसी जब पूरे रंग में आती हैं तो आपको अपने सारे भूले-बिछड़े रिश्तेदार की याद दिला देती हैं. उन्होंने तो चंद दिनों में मेरे उन पूर्वजों को भी अपने सुभाशीष से खंगाल डाला था जो बन्दर रहे होंगे. विमला मौसी ऐसे काफी innovative हैं गालियों के मामले में. धाराप्रवाह एक से बढ कर एक गलियाँ देती हैं. कल जब वो पूरे फॉर्म में शर्मा जी पर बरस रही थीं तो मुझे अपनी हिंदी grammar की "संधि" (combining sounds) की classes याद आ गयी. सिर्फ एक शब्द से संधि कराकर मौसी ने अनगिनत शब्द बना डाले थे.

शर्मा जी बता रहे थे की मौसी को Low blood pressure है. मैंने भगवन का लाख-लाख शुक्रियादा किया कि अपनी किस्मत अच्छी है जो मौसी को High blood pressure नहीं है. वर्ना मौसी न जाने क्या-क्या करती? यूँ तो मौसी बुरे दिनों में झाड़-पात से भी झगडा खोट लेती हैं, पर ऐसा मौका मोहल्ले वालों ने दिया नहीं या यूँ कहें मौसी ने ऐसा मौका आने नहीं दिया.

यूँ सोचिये तो इसमें केवल बुराई ही नहीं है. जब मौसी कल सुभाशीष दे रही थीं तो उमा को याद आया कि उसने बहुत दिनों से अपने पापा से बात नहीं की है.  मौसी ने उसे उसके पापा लगाकर कोई गाली दी थी. मेरी माँ कहती है कि जो लोग बोल देते हैं, उनका मन साफ होता है. मौसी का दिल भी साफ था. कभी भी कोई मदद की जरूरत हो तो मौसी कभी मना नहीं करती थी. ये बात अलग है की अगले ही झगडे के मौके पर पूरी कालोनी वालों के सामने उलहना दे देती थीं.

रात को खाने पर उमा ने चर्चा छेड़ा कि ऐसे माहौल का बच्चों पर बुरा असर पड़ेगा. कोई नया मकान जल्द  ही ढूंढना पड़ेगा. मैंने उसे समझाया कि ऐसे भी बच्चे अभी छोटे हैं और दो चार गलियाँ सीख भी लें तो कोई बुराई नहीं है. यह भी हमारे culture का एक हिस्सा है जो शहरीकरण के साथ नष्ट होता जा रहा है.  ऐसे भी कब तक समस्याओं से भागते फिरेंगे, कोई ना कोई समस्या तो हरेक जगह होगी. मैं लोकेशन की वजह से मकान change  नहीं करना चाह रहा था.  

"एक समाधान है मेरे दिमाग में. बस तुम्हारी मंजूरी चाहिए." मैंने उमा से नजरें चुराते हुए कहा. "लोहे को लोहा ही काट सकता है." मैं इशारों में ही उसे समझाना चाह रहा था. 

 "मैं समझी नहीं." ......"Ohh NOO!!!..कहीं आप ..?"
"OHH Yess.." 

उसने मुस्कुराते हुए स्वीकृति में हामी भरी और मैं मोबाइल लेकर कॉल लगाने बाहर चला आया.

शाम को दरवाजे पर ही पता चल गया की नानी आ चुकी है. अन्दर वह उमा पर बरस रही थीं. मैंने नानी के पाँव छूए और नाना का हाल चाल पूछा. फिर मैंने बच्चों को नानी को आसपास दिखा लाने को कहा. मैंने नजरों से ही उमा को समझाया कि बस थोड़े ही दिनों की बात है.

बात कुछ ऐसी है कि मेरी नानी दिन में जब तक किसी से झगडा ना कर लें तो उनका खाना नहीं पचता. इसी कारण मैंने कल नानी को call लगाया था. विमला मौसी की काबिलियत देखकर मुझे लगा कि कोई उन्हें टक्कर दे सकता है तो वो मेरी नानी ही है. दो शेर आमने सामने हों तो टक्कर पक्की है, बस अब मुझे इन्तजार करना था. रात को मैंने अपनी motorcycle विमला मौसी के फाटक के सामने पार्क कर दी और सोने चला आया. बस इन्तजार सुबह होने का था.

उमा ने मुझे झकझोर कर जगाया. बाहर बहुत शोर मचा हुआ था. उमा ने बताया की सवेरे नानी टहलने निकली हुई थीं और जब वापस आयीं तो विमला मौसी आप को गलियाँ दे रही थीं. बस फिर क्या था, दोनों तभी से जमे पड़े हैं. 

"जल्दी फ्रेश हो लीजिये नहीं तो आप miss कर जायेंगे. मैंने चाय टेबल पर रख दिया है और में बाहर जा रही हूँ."
"ठीक है, पर तुम बाहर मत निकलना. मैं नहीं चाहता कि तुम कुछ बोलकर नानी का पलड़ा हल्का कर दो."
दो घंटे तक चली लड़ाई का मैंने भरपूर आनंद लिया. मन ही मन सोचा चलो आज parliament session नहीं भी देखूँगा तो काम चलेगा. विमला मौसी, नानी के उम्र और तजुर्बे से मात खा गयी थीं. सब शांत हो जाने के बाद मैं शान से motorcycle लेकर बाजार निकल गया. 

पिछले दो दिनों से मोहल्ले में शांति है. शाम को आया तो पता चला कि नानी मौसी के घर पर हैं. मौसी खुद बुलाने आयी थीं. मैंने कहा कि ये भी सही है, आखिर कितने दिन पडोसी से झगडा रख सकते हैं.

उमा ने मुझे झकझोर कर जगाया. बाहर बहुत शोर मचा हुआ था. मैंने पूछा कि अब क्या हुआ? उसने हँसते हुए कहा कि आप खुद देख लीजिये. बाहर भीड़ जमी थी. विमला मौसी और मेरी नानी मिलकर शर्मा जी को उनके खानदान की याद दिला रही थीं. मैंने मन ही मन कहा की चोर चोर आखिर मौसेरे भाई ही होते हैं. शर्मा जी की तो दूर दूर तक मुझे खैरियत नजर नहीं आ रही थी. शाम को ही मैंने नानी का सामान बंधा और वापस भेज दिया. विमला मौसी स्टेशन तक छोड़ने आई थी.

Silver Lining

Yesterday I saw my first silver hair and I thought may be I am getting old. There it was, standing conspicuous like wise man among normal mortals. I checked it again and again hoping it to be illegal immigrant, but it was 100% indigenous.

Soon I will have trouble with walking and remembering things. But I still remember you after all you were my first love. May be someone told your name yesterday at the pub, but I can not remember it now. But I still remember your smile, your smell and your first touch. May be we went on a date and I am sure it would have been very nice. Thanks for being so kind to me and I hope I will remember your name again.

“Hey Anand, what are you smiling at? It is getting dark. Let us go home.” She was almost standing.

“I just remembered my first love. I think I was in senior secondary school and she used to sit on the first bench.”

“But didn’t you study in a boy school?”

Is Chaman Mein Bhi Bahar Aani Chahiye

I distinctly remember those days back in the school, when one of my friends has a peculiar habit of counting the number of bald people crossing us on our way home. At that point I thought what a weird habit. But now I have developed the similar habit. I count the number of people having less hair than me. Luckily for me, the number from old times has increased considerably, giving me lots of false confidence.

There was a time when I had dense forest on my head and combing my entangled curly hair was a painful job. I used to love to see falling flocks of hair on the ground when barber used to cut my hair. I used to dream to shave my whole head so that I could feel exact size of my skull. And now I am living the dream. I get to shave my head even if I don't want to, and interpolation of past data shows that this dream is soon going to end and one day I will wake up with all my hairs gone.

I try hard to forget all about my hair, but there are some, who always remind me that I am losing my hair at a rapid rate. I can not believe, people can be so insensitive. And, I absolutely hate it when people say "Why don't you do something", as if I have left any stone unturned to fulfill my heartily desire of growing my hairs back. I have only one thing to say to them, tell me the solution (Which can actually work) or shut up. Sometimes I stand in front of mirror and go back in time to grow my hair back again; stand bewitched, but as someone said reality bites.

Not that going bald doesn't have its benefits. According to some of my well wishers, I don't have to spend on Shampoo or any other hair products. It even saves from trouble of combing. Just smear little oil and you are ready, shiny and sparkling. People always think that I have already taken the bath even though I had just woken up. The biggest advantage is added seniority to my looks which automatically brings respect in the workplace. My best friends from college Pratap, Gour and Mishra are also losing hairs at a very fast rate. According to some magazine, “Bald” is going to be the next Fashion. Very optimistic huh....

Remember the proverb "Grapes are sour, they really are."- who needs hair. So I hate hair on my head. Who am I kidding..... :(. I absolutely adore them. Today I swore to follow on the ultimate quest to get my hair back. Only if someone could give me Harsh Bhogle’s contact number, it would be much easier. Until my quest is complete, I will have to make peace with the reality- Deforestation is a big problem for the world at large and especially for my head.

Newton and me

Being a geek I always trusted science for explanations and luckily enough, it never let me down until ….

In eighth standard, Newton suggested that everything attracts every other thing with a force directly proportional to the product of their masses and since then I tried to explain all sorts of attraction on the basis of the law. Based on this law, I used to develop my own corollaries like two fat people would fall in love quicker than two normal people. Even as a kid, I knew something was wrong with my corollary. I used to blame surrounding conditions for my failure as I knew all physics rules are made only for carrying out experiments in perfect space with ideal conditions. Concept of “Zero figure” almost shattered my whole proposition and made me think, how someone’s loosing weight can make Saif Ali Khan dribble, even in his old age. That was the first blow to my deep faith in science.

In eleventh standard, my physics teacher told us that “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. From childhood I have been experimental by nature. So, I decided to test the theory. I punched the guy sitting next to me in the class. Next thing I realized was, you certainly get an opposite reaction but I was not so sure about the “equal” part of the theory. To me, it was many times the action force I had applied. But I was happy that at least half of the theory could be proven even in practical condition.

This was the same year I started feeling different about her. Only rational explanation I could think of was that, I was feeling her gravitational pull. Answer raised couple of more questions; why only now, why not earlier? And why I do not feel the same pull for my best friend or as matter anyone else? I am not good with senses. My five receptors do not work that well. So it was a good news that my antenna was at least catching one signal. Her signal had certainly (must have) strengthened with development of her body (increased weight?). Rest became clear when I learned Coulomb’s law of attraction. Only opposite charges attract each other. That was a great relief as I only had to expect signals from half of the population. May be with time I will catch more signals from different ones.

I must say, gravitational pull is very strong pull. I could feel her existence even when she was away.  I thought to test my 11th standard learning again. I thought, this is time to take action to get a reaction. I wrote her a letter and placed it in her notebook.

For 2 days there was no reaction and I wondered which external factor has introduced lag in the response. I kept searching my notebooks for letter. Finally on the third day I got response, not from her, but by her brother, very strong one. After that suddenly all gravitational pull was gone and I reached to the decision that some actions do have severe reaction.

Ultimately I concluded, may be love is not governed by laws of physics. Love is the most irrational concept. It is not absolute like science and that’s why people have different preferences; some like cars and some beautiful models around them. Somebody needs to write a book on theories of love so that geeks like me who like reading theories and applying them can be benefitted.

Voyage to the end of Universe

Chapter 1: The significant ones

28Feb, 2069 5:00 PM

He turned off the Television, sunk deep in his chair fitting perfectly in his permanent ass prints on the padding and muttered, “Tomorrow will be a historic day”. The uncomfortable pairing of words tomorrow and historic in the same sentence amused him.

Tomorrow was special in every sense, as it was 75th birthday of music icon Justin Bieber, who still was shaking at this age with his Pop anthem “Hey Baby” (digital remaster of original song “Baby” which was named incorrectly due to music company screw up); but it wasn’t historic for him for this reason as any day he preferred prostate check over Bieber’s songs. He wondered what happened to the real music and why nobody killed like of Miley Cyrus and Bieber to save the world from this torture.

Now days he wonders as lot, just like all other insignificant ones. He is a character in very insignificant part of the story and is only chosen because he is old enough to brood over the past (which he likes a lot) to help us to build premise of the story and not too old to be senile and totally useless like historians in solving quadratic equations. He is like those insignificant details that grow very tightly around significant one; just like insignificantly important “running naked” details to Archimedes, after the significantly important discovery of “buoyancy”. But do not get confused, this is a story of significant ones.

His mind wandered in the past when things were not so complicated. He liked old time when Pi was still 3.14, “g” meant gravitational acceleration, he believed Tom hanks was an astronaut on Apollo 13 mission and standing on one leg on a weighing machine does halve one’s weight. Now everything was so precise and politically correct that it felt medicated to him. They ruined the cult series The Big Bang Theory when the new producers decided to infuse love angle between Sheldon and Penny. He never cared to watch reality shows like of “I have seen 10th dimension” or “I have counted infinity twice”.

Though, over the years he did like few things. He liked when a Chinese guy invented a treadmill for cows so that they can give skimmed milk. He liked when Apple was banned from upgrading every month and made to support flash. He liked when Windows conceded Vista was its second biggest mistake, only next to their overambitious thought of putting pretty pictures in the backdrop of Bing will bring any popularity.  He liked the sick joke, on the death of Prince Charles, that Prince Charles was buried with a chair as he did not have it when he was alive. He made lot of nuisance when a mms caught him saying, “That old lady won’t die”.

He switched on TV again. A big spaceship was on the screen. For last few days they have been continuously telecasting reports on tomorrow’s launch of “Laika”; spaceship was named Laika after the first dog to go in space as Neil Armstrong still struggled to qualify for the first man. As camera zoomed and panned the body of spaceship, he could read clearly USA painted in red colour. It was a massive ship with three propellants. As camera panned at the bottom of ship, he could not hide his amusement as he read “Made in China” written at the bottom.
Tomorrow will be historic because for the first time in human history, four humans will be sent on self sustainable ship to explore the universe and unveil its secret. This is the story of those four significant ones.

Joke

Read somewhere.

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball bat."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

Pay attention, Idiot! # Part 3 #

Chapter 4: What Future Holds

So far I have been trying to delay “money transfer” as long as I can, but further stalling may result in end of communication as he might guess my intentions. Apart from that, his lectures on urgency have started to creep me out.  You guys are lucky that you only get to read good stuff; I am the one who has to bear “fundas of Islam” and his repetitive reminder of money transfer like a broken CD, stuck at a note. This is perfect time to end this conversation on high note.

After giving it much thought, I have decided to end it following way.

# Even if he sends me any mail before coming Wednesday (September 8, 2012), I have decided not to reply. I am expecting him to send me an e-mail on Tuesday again reminding that I have to send rest of 400$ USD on Wednesday. #

Wednesday

from: Anand Mishra 
to: Immigration Malaysia
date: Wed, August 28, 2012
subject: VISA Processing fee transferred

Dear Sir,
Thanks for your help and patience. I always knew, Muslim brothers will always look after me. I can not say how much you have touched my heart. I never believed that anyone will come forward to this extent to offer help, to a complete stranger, and this has strengthened my faith in humanity. This year I will go to Hajj and free two white pigeons to show my revived faith in humanity.

As you had suggested in your earlier mails, I have transferred 400$ USD to the following account through Western union money transfer.
Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Immigration Department of Malaysia
Level 1-7 (Pondium) Block 2G4 Precint
Malaysia

MTCN for the transfer is 911-420- 9211. Usually money transfer is instantaneous with Western Union, but there might be delay in money transfer as there is 2.5 hours time difference between Malaysia and India. Kindly collect money after 2.5 hours as you would be on the same time as ours and finalize Visa process as quickly as possible.

Sir, my mother has already bought a chicken which we will eat the day I receive confirmation of my Visa.

Regards
Anand Mishra

$ Did you notice MTCN no? Call Police - A fraud – Running away with money. $

# He will laugh at my foolishness for a while and then will go for a stroll to collect money. He will argue with Western Union guy for a while only to realize that there is no money transferred to his name. Frustrated, he will write me again that money has not been transferred and I need to check at my end. I will not reply for another 2 days to frustrate him more. On Friday I will send him a final mail. #

Friday

from: Anand Mishra 
to: Immigration Malaysia, CALTEX Malaysia
date: Fri, August 30, 2010
subject: VISA Processing fee transferred

Hi Bros,
You called me brother once, so I will give you a free suggestion. If you want to save your ass then go underground for a while as Malaysian police is coming after you. I have been in regular contact with Malaysian cyber crime branch and sharing your mails with them. They were very intrigued with the offer and one of the officers actually wants to join your firm.

You guys are dumb bastards. I hinted you in the previous mail. My MTCN no was “Police coming-you frauds-run”. Anyways I had fun chatting with you guys. Do you remember the 5 pillars? You both can share the pillars and stick up your a**. Wait I believe you both are the same person, it is even better, at least now you won’t have fight who gets 3.

Hope you both rotten in Malaysian jail.

Anand Mishra

PS:
I never thought someone will have courage to run through my marathon second post. But, thanks to Divesh and Sumit who showed interest and gave me courage to write the final chapter. I hope you all really enjoyed it. Do not forget to write your honest comments.

I am planning to shift from lighter side to serious posts. I still have to write about my trip to India. Further plans are to ponder about faith and religion. A few posts on hope and then come back to satire.

Pay attention, Idiot! # Part 2 #

Chapter 3: No one messes with ME!!

I hope by now you are familiar with the characters. Just to jog your memory:

Anand Mishra
Myself

Dr. Mohammed Rahman Ali
Employment Processing Manager
Caltex Oil Malaysia Limited
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Malaysian Immigration

Note:
Only parts of e-mails are produced here to save you from boring parts. Read comments as well, as they will fill you in about missing details.

#           #   ~ Comments used in place of e-mail
$           $   ~ General comments

So, once it was established that someone was trying to dupe me, I planned to get back to them. Idea was to give them false hope that I am really interested in what they have offered and somehow stall them and make them work for it. I was busy getting back to my normal life in Australia so I could not reply their emails. They grew impatient and then they sent me twice the copy of contract again. They even sent me 3 sms “Check your e-mail and do the needful. Caltex Oil”. There urgency was motivating for me.
To keep them involved and present myself as potential Bakra I asked immigration guy (Razak) to start the process copying mail to Rahman Ali. Below is the response.

from: Immigration Malaysia
to: Anand Mishra
date: Mon, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:16 PM
subject: VISA and Work Permit Processing   

Dear Anand Mohan Mishra,
We have also been contacted by Your Employer CALTEX OIL COMPANY regarding your request. We are willing to help you process the Visa and Work Permit and all other relevant documentations you may need to do in order to live and work successfully here in Malaysia.

We need some more details from you in order to proceed with the Visa and Working/Residence permit and other relevant documentations processing.

# Whole list of personal details like DOB, Age, Passport number etc. #

Please note that employee has is to take care of the following visa processing fee:
(a) Visa Application Fee = $323USD
(b) Commerce and Industry Fee = $329USD
(c) Foreign Affairs Fee = $328USD
Total fee to be paid = $980USD

The above Total Fee ($980USD) should be paid through western union money transfer which will be faster using the information below:

Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Immigration Department of Malaysia
Level 1-7 (Pondium) Block 2G4 Precint
Malaysia

$ Isn’t he smart. Money through Western Union. Quick way to transfer money. What did you think of Visa fee? I have never seen any country charging these kinds of fees. $

Kindly furnish us with the above information so that we can start up the processing of your Documents. We will get the Visa and Work Permit and other relevant documents for you within One week of receipt of the processing fee from you. We are enclosing our Visa application form for you to fill and return.

Looking forward to serving you better.

Best Regards,

Mr Razak Badawi
Head of Operations
Malaysian Immigration

$ Ya, that is not going to happen. $

# I did not reply for another couple of days. He sent me almost the same mail again. Even though he had sent me Visa application form, to piss him of, I sent him following e-mail. #

Dear Sir,
You did not attach Visa application form with last email and all this time I was waiting for you to send it. Kindly send the document so that we can expedite the process. I am concerned about the time constraint (20/8/10) and my worry is would I be able to finish the visa process before the desired date?
Regards
Anand

$ Trying to be genuine :) $

# He sent me an application form again. In the mean while I was keeping other guy busy by asking him lots of question on contract. Now I thought to bring some twist to the story. #

Anand Mishra to Caltex Malaysia
Date: Tue, Jul 20, 2012 at 8:18 AM

Dear Sir,
Following is the update on my visa process. I am in continuous conversation with Mr. Razak Badawi. For visa approval, processing fee of $980.00 USD is asked. Sir, I come from economically backward family and I will not be able to arrange the whole amount by myself. As days passes by I am also worried about the time constraint (20/8/10) before which I have to complete visa process. Sir, I have arranged $400.00 USD on my own and I still require another $580 USD for completing the process.

Sir, I believe all these expenses will be reimbursed within a week I join Caltex Malaysia. Along with that I will be given a month salary in advance as relocation amount. Sir is it possible to get $600.00 USD ahead and sent it to me, so that I can complete the visa process without delay. When I join the firm, it could be deducted from my reimbursement. I would be highly obliged if this help is provided to me. I have strong desire to work for Caltex and I do not want to miss the opportunity.

If it could not be arranged officially, I request you Sir, to kindly support me in this testing condition and I assure you to pay you back within a week of joining the firm. I would be highly obliged under your debt and will never forget your help in this testing condition.

If you give me kind consideration, my Western Union details are

Anand Mishra
14/A Bhoot Bangla, Pahadi Kuan
Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh
India

Eagerly waiting for some positive news.

Regards
Anand Mishra

$ At least I tried to get some money out of him. I knew exactly what his answer would be and it was as I had expected. $

Caltex Malaysia to Anand Mishra
Date: Tue, Jul 20, 2012 at 12:28 PM

Dear Anand Mohan Mishra‏,

I write to express my feelings to you. After going through your mail, I was deeply touched, more especially observing that you are a Muslim brother. INSHA ALLAH you will overcome the situation and join the leading team CALTEX.

$ What the hell. Religion card, well played bro. $

I want you to know that I have been helping you and I am ready to render more assistance to you but while doing that I should be mindful not to go against the five pillars of Islam because I am a Muslim who believes in the pillars.

$ What pillars he is talking about? $

However, because you are a Muslim brother, you have to send $480USD to Mr Razak Badawi while I will pay $500USD from my personal money on your behalf but you will refund me the money when you start work.

I will send the $500USD to Mr Razak Badawi of Malaysia immigration and also ask him to collection the balance of $480USD from you. You seem to be the first person that has really touched my heart to this extent.

I want you to evaluate the proposal and get back to me as quickly as possible. 

Regards,

Dr. Mohammed Rahman Ali

$ How sweet of him. So, I was able to keep his interest in me. $

# After that, I thanked my Muslim bro. Both frauds conveyed to me that there was a “real money” transfer between them next day and ball was in my court now and Visa process will start as soon as I transfer rest of 480$. I was suggested to give matter adequate urgency. I kept silence for a couple of days. He again sent me a mail giving lesson on urgency. Actually I was busy with one of my projects at work, so could not reply him. Today I sent immigration guy another mail. #

Anand Mishra to Immigration
Date: Fri, Jul 23, 2012 at 7:28 AM

Dear Sir,
I am sorry for the delay in response. For last two days I was busy arranging money. I have asked bank to loan me money. Because of our huge population, usually queues are very long everywhere in India. It is very hot in India and lady behind me in the queue had a baby and it was crying all the time. I almost had to stand 4hrs in queue to reach the counter.  It was hard to convince the accountant to loan me money as I come from economically backward family. On top of that, you have to bribe accountant to get your loan sanctioned. Only after he saw my letter of employment and salary amount he agreed to sanction me loan. He has asked 15% of the loan upfront as bribe which I delivered him yesterday in the evening at his home. He has assured me that I will get money on next Tuesday.

Sir, I have two requests for you. First one is, as you have received 500$ USD from my HR Manager, is it possible to start visa process as it is getting late and I do not want to miss the beautiful opportunity to live in Malaysia. I will transfer you rest of the money on Wednesday through Western Union.

Second humble request is that, I did not know before today that you have to bribe the accountant to get your loan approved. It is a huge set back for me as they could only sanction 500$USD to me out of which I gave him 75$ USD as bribe. I will only effectively receive 425$ USD from bank. Being a Muslim brother, I request you to help me in this critical condition. INSHA ALLAH, Allah is watching us and he will repay you when you will go to heaven. Sir, if you could assist me by 80$USD which I will return within a week of joining, I will be highly obliged. I will never forget your help in this matter. I will transfer rest of the money on Wednesday.

I have filled the form but I am not able to find a scanner in my locality to scan it and return it back. Is it ok if I send you the soft copy of filled form?

Regards and waiting for your kind support.

Anand

$ I had fun writing this e-mail. $

# In his response he agreed to put 80$ from his pocket and wait for me to transfer rest 400$ to his account on coming Wednesday. And they say, there are no more nice people in the world. I had touched his heart again. #

Next Post
Chapter 4: What Future Holds
Future still holds a lot for our relationship. I have faint idea in mind how it is going to pan out, but we will see. Anybody wants to suggest something is welcome to comment.

Losers will Smile

I used to be skinny in my childhood. Worst part of being skinny is that you can not afford to pick up a fight as no one but you will be on the receiving end. So, even if somebody used to hit me, I would never respond back. My best way of taking revenge was to take the matter to the higher courts. Teachers used to praise me, because they used to think I am practicing Gandhigiri.
After my 10th board examination, I started gaining weight. I was very happy. When I realized I was skinny no more, I intentionally picked up a fight with the skinniest guy in my class. What happened is history but I came to two conclusions, never pick up a fight with a skinny cricketer when he has cricket bat in his hand and humiliation is more when you get beaten up by a skinny friend.

Recently I realized that I have started to grow again and I can feel it. My clothes are tight and I feel bigger. For past ten months, I am in Australia and I believe it has something to do with my growth. In a month I am going back to India and I can’t go like this. I have to stop growing, but question is how? So, I did little research on Google. I believe after some years all the laboratories in IITs will be closed and all the researches will be conducted on Google. Result suggested that it has something to do with my eating habits and not living an active lifestyle. What non sense, I have been eating well, chicken wings in the breakfast, fish and chips for lunch, chips in the evening and six rotis with sabji in the dinner. Going little out of context, in Australia they sell awesome candy bars. You get so many different kinds of candy bars that even daily I eat 5 or 6 different types of candy bars; still I have not tested all of them. When I talked to gym instructor at work about it, he asked me “Do you cook or you do take away?” I told him off course I cook (I am pretty sure he was talking about dinner, though he never mentioned it). He seemed surprised and told me that people generally put weight on when they mostly do take away.
With one reason out, it only leaves my “not so active” lifestyle as the reason. I did some more research on “Google” on what is active lifestyle. It suggested that 1,000 steps a day is considered as an active lifestyle. I bought a pedometer next day and tied it to my shoes in the morning. In the evening the count was 2,173, so I am leading an active lifestyle. While I was putting pedometer back in the case, I saw 10,000 steps written on the case. Thinking, it must be for athletes, I searched in Google again. What the fu**, last time I missed a zero at the end, 10,000 steps for active lifestyle and my count was 2,173 only.

I still believe that I am not overweight; I am just “Healthy”. I need to tone down a bit so that I am considered healthy and not “Healthy”. From tomorrow onwards, I will do exercise, eat less, inhibit my temptation for chocolates and in the end will emerge as a “Loser”. Today is the last day of uninhibited quest, so let me test 10 chocolates today.

Gyaan ki Baat

I asked him that can he keep a secret? He said, "Off course. Do not worry, my lips are sealed like BP Oil wells."

ज्ञान १: जहाँ तक मेरी समझ है, दी गयी गाली तभी सार्थक है जब जिसे दिया गया हो उसे लग जाये.  अगर गाली लगी नहीं तो बेकार गयी. इसलिए गाली हमेशा receiver कि मातृभाषा में देनी चाहिए.  मेरा दोस्त राहुल एक बार धोबी पर गरम हो गया. बात ही ऐसी थी, उसने राहुल कि नयी शर्ट गुमा दी थी. राहुल भाई थोड़े अंग्रेजी के जानकार आदमी हैं, और बात भी ज्यादातर अंग्रेजी में ही करना पसंद करते हैं. गुस्से में राहुल भाई अपनी मातृभाषा, अंग्रेजी में शुरू हो गए. एक से बढकर एक चुनिन्दा गलियाँ दी. कुछ तो मैंने अपनी diary में note कर लिया भविष्य में प्रयोग के लिए. जब राहुल भाई शांत हुए तो धोबी सहम कर बोला "भैया, वो मैं कह रहा था कि आपका शर्ट गुम हो गया है, शायद आप समझे नहीं."

ज्ञान २: एक बार मैं अपने दोस्त सतीश के घर गया. उसकी दीदी का बेटा कुणाल छुट्टियों में आया हुआ था. मैंने उसे छेड़ने के लिए पीछे से उसके बाल खींचे. पलट कर उसने मुझे गाली दे दी. मैंने उसे समझाते हुए बोला "बेटा गाली नहीं देते. अब देखो, तुम ने गाली दी और मैंने नहीं ली, गाली तो तुम्ही को वापस हो गयी ना. इसलिए गाली नहीं देते."
उसने कहा, " गाली वापस थोड़े ही ना होता है, एक बार जिसको दे दी उसी के पास रहती है. गाली आप ही के पास है."
इसलिए याद रखिये, दी गयी गाली वापस नहीं होती. अगर कोई आपको गाली दे रहा है और आप यह सोचकर ध्यान नहीं दे रहे हैं कि आप उसे ले नहीं रहे हैं, तो यह आपकी भूल है. गली आपको लग कर ही रहेगी.

यह चुटकुला real अनुभव पर आधारित है.
एक बार एक लड़के वाला मेरे पडोसी के घर उनकी बेटी का रिश्ता तय करने आया. बात चलते-चलते दहेज़ पर पहुँची. लड़के वाले बहुत ज्यादा दहेज़ मांग रहे थे. इसी बीच लड़के के पिताजी को जोर की लघुशंका आयी. उन्होंने पडोसी से एक लोटा पानी मँगवाने को कहा. मेरे पडोसी ने जोर से अपने बेटे को आवाज लगते हुए कहा, "जरा, एक बड़े से लोटे में पानी तो लेते आना, आज समधी जी आग मूत रहे हैं. बुझाने के लिए चाहिए होगा." पड़ोसी का दहेज़ पर यह व्यंग अभी भी मुझे हँसाता है.

"मेरे पिताजी इतने लम्बे हैं" वाला चुटकुला तो आपने सुना ही होगा.
तीन बच्चे आपस में discussion कर रहे थे कि किसके पिताजी सबसे ज्यादा काबिल हैं.
पहला बच्चा: मेरे पिताजी तो इतने लम्बे हैं की वो ताड़ के पेड़ से फल तोड़ लेते हैं.
दूसरा बच्चा: बस. मेरे पिताजी तो इतने लम्बे हैं की वो उड़ते हुए जहाज को आराम से छू लेते हैं.
तीसरा बच्चा: मेरे पिताजी भी लम्बे हैं, पर वो ऐसा चुरकुट वाला काम नहीं करते.

How to stop loving your work

Once I posted below statement on my Facebook wall and following is the conversation that followed.

“Sometimes you just want to stab someone, but you can’t do it because it is against company’s policy.”

Comment: It is against the policy of every society, even then people do it. You just need to have enough courage to perform HATKE.
Me: May be I need little encouragement & motivation :)
Comment: I think...may be u need a bit more of torture. :P

And I could not stop laughing.

Are you one of those dumb guys who love their work?

Let me get few things straight: It does not matter how much I said I love to work hard or how much I want to work for your company or how much my tailored resume gave you impression that I will be a perfect fit; I DO NOT LOVE WORK. And yes I lied when I told you in the interview that I was born to work for your company as I had said the same thing to another company who had interviewed me 5 minutes before you. I will not stay a minute after 4 PM in the evening and will take minimum 2 sick leaves every month.

One of the departments I hate most in a firm is HR (human resource). They are like muffins, tastes so nice but if you had too much of it, you will have type-2 diabetes. With their pretty face at first it might seem that chick is digging you, but as soon as you are hired they will treat you like an ex- and you do not know whether it was you or her. Next time you see them around is when it is time to fire you.

I often hear people saying how much they love their work. I think either they do not understand the meaning of pleasure or they do not understand work. Do you know why company pays you salary – because you are miserable at work. Think about it, last time when did you do something fun and you did not have to pay for it? And, do you think if company knows that you are having fun at work, they will pay you? They are there to make money for themselves and not for a sucker like you. Only reason you are there because at this point in time no machine or human is available to do that work more efficiently or cheaper than you. To them you are not an individual, you are simple a human RESOURCE. One thing I am pretty sure is, if you are having fun at work then you are miserable at home. So never love your work.

Once you establish that you hate your job, the question is how to survive it? It pays for your requirements and hence you can not completely stop working. These guidelines will help you survive your job:

1. Be competitive: You can survive by just knowing that there is always someone out there who has a worse job than you. His life sucks more than yours.
2. Be positive: There is light at the end of the tunnel and it is your salary. No matter what happens, they have to pay you until they fire you.
3. Be productive: If you are interested in shares then you can utilize office time to do online trading. Managing your Ebay account is also a good way of saving on bargains.
4. Expand your skill set: Learn how to play online games. Sudoku, mind puzzles or other online games are good way to waste time.
5. Ramp up your networking: Facebook is banned at most of the workplace, but it should not stop you from being social. Spend time around coffee machine, and know your colleagues better.
6. Planning for who you want to be in 5 years time: Day dreams are good way to see your career progression. Good thing about day dreaming is there is no required skill set for any job you want to dream about and sky is the limit.
7. Be inclusive about your work: Working environment becomes less boring if you are having an affair with someone but it might create problem if your wife learns about it. So only get into affairs with someone who has high regard for confidentiality.

Every morning when I wake up, I do a mental calculation to decide whether I can take sick leave today or not. Then on my way to work I try to convince myself that I love my work which lasts till I enter my office. Once I sit on my chair only thing gets me through the day is the fact that everyday has 4P.M. and every week a Friday. Ohh shit, it is already 4:02P.M., see you later.

Mount Kosciuszko – a trip to the highest mountain in Australia

 Dedicated to Mr. X

Disclaimer:  Well things might seem funny now, but weren’t funny at that time :). Even though Mr. X is real, but we can not reveal his identity due to confidentiality agreement. See Abhishek, I had told you I will never reveal your identity if you do not want to.

It rarely happens that weekend is longer than weekdays (a wise old man said last time it happened when Australia won The Ashes) and 5 day Easter break was perfect time for me to come out of my shell. So, four exIITians Mr. X, Lokesh, Bhassi and I decided to camp on the highest mountain in Australia, Mount Kosciuszko. In nutshell, we completed demanding 27 Km walk on medium to hard terrain, in minus zero condition, 20+ Kg on our back and camped one night on Mount Kosciuszko. While pain still has to recede, hopefully story will go on.

Our journey started from Great Victoria. In Victoria everything is “Great”; river, roads, swamps, forests and even their dry creeks. After 9 hour long drive, we arrived at Jindabyne (the base camp for Mount Kosciuszko) at 3A.M. in the middle of the night. Apparently expected time to reach there was 11P.M., so we weren’t too late, only trouble was everything was closed and temperature was around zero. So we decided to sleep in the car itself. We closed all the windows and slipped in our sleeping bags. Within few minutes of good night exchange I realized a couple of things (1) Bhassi is oxygen munching monster. He was consuming more than 75% of our oxygen (limited amount available in the car). He was taking really long inhales in such quick succession that it almost felt like Kapal Bhathi except he was inhaling instead of exhaling. I was afraid that I will die due to lack of oxygen, so we made gap in our windows for oxygen inflow. (2) Mr. X snores at a pitch which you can clearly hear even in Metallica concerts, and I will tell you one thing, I couldn’t sleep in Metallica concert. So Lokesh and I were awake for the whole night watching him sleep like a child. At least someone slept well that night :(.

Enjoying tranquility at Jindabyne lake after full night of snoring from Mr. X

In the morning we all went to see Jindabyne Lake. View was quite scenic and atmosphere was quite quiet. We had light breakfast and we did final checking of our backpacks. Before I could close my rucksack, I heard Mr. X shouting, apparently something was missing. He had brought 8 liters of water for 1.5 day tracking (:O) out of which 1 liter was missing.  After little convincing he settled for 7 liters but made it clear that he is not going to share his water in any case. I realized, everyone has to look after themselves. I only had 2 liters of water on me and I had no doubt in my mind that I might have to kill Mr. X before I can get a sip out of his lot.

Snowy River, well that is what river looks like in Australia

We started tracking around 10A.M. Within few minutes we all realized it is going to quite demanding. First came Snowy River, then a series of peaks and saddle. Once you know the difference, you will never confuse a river with creek. Creeks are creeks while river is a creek with bucket of water flowing through it.

 Weather was perfect for tracking, but at the end of the day we were dog tired. We set up our tent in the dark under torch light. Finally we had shelter from freezing outside and this was time to discuss the day. Facts were, rucksacks were very heavy due to consumable goods (water, bread, jam etc) and so far no one had drank more than 100 ml of water. There were few laughs about 8 liter of water. At dinner time everybody was keen to share their share of water and food so that they can loose some weight, but no one showed interest in others stock. We ate and drink as much as we can so that next day we had to carry less, well that is how I got my name, Museli Mishra :). After few rounds of card games we all went for bed. Even before we finished good night exchange, we knew Mr. X was asleep as we could hear loud snores coming out of his sleeping bag. We all knew we were up for another big night. Bhassi, Lokesh and I had light conversation for another half an hour around snoring and few laughs at Mr. X’s misfired snores. We all managed to get some rest.
Second day track was much easier due to sloping terrain and our lighter backpack (due to last nights overeating).
All together it was quite fun and enjoyable experience. We had laughs and that is all that counts.

P.S: Bits of story are exaggerated. All in good faith.
Abhishek: Thanks for driving us safely in long stretch.
Bhassi: Thanks for packed lunch.
Lokesh: Thanks for carrying the heaviest rucksack :P

Teesri Kassam: Pahli Kassam

If you love someone let him go. If he comes back then he is yours forever and if he doesn't then you STALK.

I impatiently looked at the watch; 1:25 P.M.; 5 more minutes if train starts on time. I missed India a lot in last six months. 

“Bhaiya, Saharsa jane mein kitna samay lagega?” I asked a chai wala next to my window.

“Jyada der lagega to udd kar jaoge kya?” I was tired from 11 hour flight and his sense of humor was irritating me, but I smiled back as he and his customers were laughing at his comment.

“4 ghanta lagta hai, arram se khate peete jao.”

“Excuse me, that’s my seat.”

“Oh, sorry.”

She was beautiful and I was thunderstruck. Though I was sure that was my seat, I moved to the empty seat next to it. I thought, may be journey won’t be boring after all. Chai wala was cruelly smiling at me and singing “Yun hi kat jayega safar saath ….” when train started creeping on the platform.

By the time I decided what would be my conversation starter; she was already busy reading Fountainhead. I had seen it under “Best booksellers Category" in book agency at Melbourne airport. I always find these book agencies at airport handy, as I can pass hours just flicking through books and updating myself to new releases without spending any money.

“Good book.”

“Have you read it?”

“I am planning to read it on my flight back to Melbourne.” I emphasized on Melbourne.

“Which is your favorite book?”

“Umm.., Harry Potter.” I grinned.

“So, not much of a reader, I guess.” She was smiling. “Do not say that J. K. Rowling is your favorite author.” She closed her book. “So, what is new in Australia? I could not ignore the force you put behind Melbourne.”

She was laughing and I was grinning shamelessly. It was not the first impression I wanted but at least she was talking. 

“I just wanted to talk to you and I was not sure how to start. I hope you did not mind. So, where are you going?”

“Do not worry, I understand. I am going to Madhepura. What about you?”

“Me too.”
That is the stop after Saharsa. An extra hour won’t hurt. I will catch a taxi at Madhepura station to my place. I can definitely say, she was screwing with my thought process.

Later she told me that she was studying commerce from Patna University. She liked reading books and listening music. She was enjoying her studies at university. She also asked me a lot of question about life style in Australia and my college life at IIT Kanpur. Saharsa came and went. For the first time, I wished somebody could pull the chain and delay the train. I needed to ask her number, but how was haunting me.

“So, any special reason to come to India?”

I knew what she meant [:)]. “No, just to catch up with family and friends.”

“Good. You know I got engaged last week. He is a doctor. He proposed me…” I had already stopped listening. How much she talks. Can’t I have little peace for a while? Great, now she was showing me his pictures.

“So, what do you think?”

“He seems good. Can you tell me how long will it take to reach Madhepura from now?”

“20 mins.”

She opened her book again as I kept gazing the fields. I should have alighted at Saharsa, I thought.

She started packing her belongings as train entered the terminal. I just felt bad for my unreasonable behavior.

“I am sorry.” I said.

“That is OK. I am sorry too. I should not have told you about my fiancee after you missed your stop for me.” She was smiling again. “I heard you talking to chai wala. Didn’t you wanted to go Saharsa? Taxi for Saharsa leaves from just outside station exit.”

She handed Fountainhead to me and said, “I have already read it. It is a good book. I hope you will enjoy it and have a good trip.”

I walked towards exit thinking what just happened.

“Bhaiya, Saharsa jana hai. Kitna loge?”

He was playing “Ham to hue barbad kisi se hai…”.

I requested him to turn off the music as I pledged it is not going to happen ever again.

Tie a Rocket to Me

It would be very arrogant of us to think that in all the worlds, galaxies and universes we are the only intelligent or even viable life or life form in existence. It would be such a waste of space.

My name is Anand and today I want to share an extraordinary personal experience with all of you. It all happened last night after Kris’s birthday party.  Around 9 O’clock party started and went nearly for 4 hours. All of us were hammered and high on weeds when we left his place.  I was walking alone towards home when I hit a street light and that’s when opportunistic aliens abducted me. 

Light was bright (yellow) and I could hardly see what was above me. I can swear, it was a UFO, just like my dad had told me about his encounter. I felt liberated and a cold sensation ran through my west below. After that everything went dark as I had hard time opening my eyes. I think they drugged me.  They laid me on a rough bed and occasionally will sprinkle water on my face and then smell it. Some of them were scratching my body for tissue sample (I think). One of them started pulling my clothes (pants) and that’s when I got scared.  I had heard very bad things about aliens using probes. In previous encounters humans have complained aliens probing them in private areas in very bad manner. I thanked God when the alien failed to remove my pants, though, later I felt sorry for them as my sample might have given then necessary understanding of humans. After a while, drug kicked in and I lost all my senses. 

I came to senses around 5 O’clock in the morning. Aliens had left on the same street near the lamp post with my clothes torn and shoes missing. Damn aliens, I had to walk bare foot to the house, at least they could have given me lift to the home.

Video footage presented by channel Aaj Tak has well established existence of aliens and UFO visits. While ignorant people might argue that with such advance cameras and recording systems available why we are not able to take clear pictures or recordings of UFOs? The answer is, UFO's have anti-camera technology which can cause the photographer to take crap photos, not that they don't exist. They are slowly easing us into the fact that they are here rather than landing and causing mass hysteria. Few more years till we all get to meet them. Till then they will handpick lonely people, walking on the street to probe and gather facts about humans.

I am proud to be the first human who is neither a drug junkie nor a nut-job, being abducted by aliens (according to a poll 4 million Americans believe they have been abducted). I hope specimens taken from me will give aliens better understanding of normal, intellectual human species. Unlike many people who would make up such stories just to get publicity, I am telling you the truth. So, next time somebody doubts extra terrestrial life form, just tell him my story.

CWG: A Story to be Told

“The 2010 Commonwealth Games are going to be the best commonwealth game ever.” tweeted Shashi Tharoor.  Two minutes later he tweeted again, “Going to take a nap.” One of his follower @LalitModi tweeted back, “No body gives a F what do you do now.  So if you want to sleep just sleep, do not tweet about every f***ing crap.”

Well it seems nowadays nobody really cares about his tweets anymore. There was a time when parliament session used to start with Tharoor’s tweet. 

With 10 days remaining to premiere pilot episode of CWG soap opera, it has already been hit by generating so much noise around the world. Every passing minutes brings new twist and turn, more dirt and thriller to great saga of 2010 Commonwealth game which might give headache to writers of Balaji Productions. What makes a good Indian soap opera? “Dirt, more dirt and a lot of dirt”, said one of the leading TRP analysts, “and Kalmadi has been given 48 hours to clean all of it.” When asked will CWG commence, his answer was, “Oh Yes! Hero always wins no matter how low his odds are.”

To add CWG woes, now elite Bollywood section; Shilpa Shetty, Arjun Rampal, Mahesh Bhatt, Aftab Shivdasani and Fardeen Khan has slammed CWG fiasco and called it blot on India’s reputation. 

CWG Games Village filthy, uninhabitable: Hooper

Leading 2010 Commonwealth Games sponsor Indian Railways has assured athletes that there won’t be any cleanliness issue with their rooms and toilets. As a contingency step, a train will run every morning from village to Agra station where athletes can get fresh on Railway tracks in traditional Indian ways with symbol of love Taj Mahal in the backdrop.

Answering one of the questions at press conference, Sheela Dikshit said, “I really do not understand why people are making such a fuss? Who really watches CWG. Don’t you get it? They are so boring that games are telecasted without advertisement. Only families of the athletes watch it, even who keep swapping between games and their favorite sitcoms."

Bridge and ceiling collapses

While government agencies blamed early monsoon for bridge collapse (government report says bridge was made to sustain one heavy rainfall which was supposed to happen in late October), internal investigation suggests bridge wasn’t designed to carry any weight in the first place. Engineer who designed the bridge and rest of the village buildings forgot to think that somebody will use it. It is a typical nerd syndrome, suggested report.

CBI reports suggests that bridge collapse is not all bad news as it has generated a scare among terrorist outfits who wanted to infiltrate village during CWG. Terrorist organizations are finding it hard to find volunteers. Allegedly, even suicide bombers refused to come forward saying that, at least in their case they know when they will trigger the button. Report warned that terrorists may launch airborne attack armed with garden blowers.

“If you ask me personally what I think, I still think it is going to be the best game ever. I can see it in Kalmadi’s eyes and his eyes never lies.” commented Sheela Dikshit.

If you did not get any of the above jokes, you will certainly get this one:  Delhi has world-class CWG facilities: Kalmadi

Teesri Kassam: Doosri Kassam

Smart people learn from their mistakes, wise people learn from the mistakes of others.

Gone are the days when you had to depend on pigeons to spread the word of love and wait for another month to get her reply back. Half of the time poor birds used to get confused making wrong connections like delivering my mails to your girl friend (and you used to blame me).
Pope and catholic nun fantasy must have started something like this. Pope writes a letter to choir kids who were bored of routine night prayer practice. Pigeon makes mistake and nun gets the message saying “Tonight we will have fun. We will do role play. ~ Pope”. It is perfect example of how an innocent message becomes raunchy topic due to an honest mistake.

Thanks to advances in science, love now knows no boundaries.  Reliance and social networking sites has helped love grow faster and quicker. On the negative side, the social networking sites have also given birth to a new generation of Net Romeos, stalking every female profile across globe. If you really want to imagine the pain of a Brazilian girl who receives thousands of friend requests daily on Orkut (from horney Indians), you have to think of how you feel when you get unsolicited sms from Airtel about their nonsense promotions.

Where there is demand and desperation, there will be Con man. Last week my friend decided to meet his six month old love in Rave Movie Theater only to find his own room mate as his lover. No wonder my mother said to me to stick to arrange marriage. 

But I slipped from the promise and fell in love with her.  Nearly a year ago I saw her profile on Orkut and you can say I fell in love with her on the first sight. She looked so beautiful in the profile pic that I couldn’t resist to write her a scrap. I still remember the words, “Will you be my friend.”  Though her album showed 42 snaps uploaded, but I couldn’t see them as they were locked and I had to wait for her friendship approval which I requested just after writing her that scrap. Seven days later almost when I had forgotten her, I received a scrap from her asking about my details. We were taking it slow and remained in Orkut stage for a month.

Usually web based love grows spiraling through four stages.  Orkut stage (or introductory stage) lasts for 10 days where both parties get to know each other on basic level. Since privacy is an issue with Orkut, love moves to second stage, G-Talk stage. In this stage both lovers gets more comfortable with each other gathering various personal information like count of previous boyfriends (/girlfriends). They also start sharing their pictures to each other and male will change his computer password based on her name. This stage nearly lasts for 2 months. Then lovers move to Phone stage. In this stage, phone bills start increasing and finally both parties switch to Reliance as it gives free talk time to other Reliance phones during night. At this stage lovers mostly discuss their daily routine like when did they take shower or what she bought from the market. At this stage both agrees that they love each other and can not live without each other.  Then finally comes fourth stage, Face to Face stage. Both decide to meet somewhere to discuss how they are going to disclose their love to their parents.

We took time to grow our love. For once in my life everything was beautiful and romantic. Nothing worried me, not even my falling grades as I had the power of love. I started listening to Ricky Matin (at that time he wasn’t gay). As phone bill started to climb, I switched to Reliance.

We were about to enter our fourth stage, when the catastrophe happened.  I read in the news about poor Shoaib Malik being cheated by Ayesha. I wondered how people do not have any morality left; the way Ayesha sent somebody else’s picture and deluded him to marry her.  I always believed in learning from the mistakes of others. I did not want to be next Shoaib, so I called and told her that I was sorry for breaking up as I feared she might have also sent someone else’s picture too. After she pleaded me, I told her I will only consider after we meet together.  A week ago I met her; she was more beautiful than her pictures and I thought, I was fool to even think about breaking with her.

I do not know what went wrong in the meeting; she is not picking up her phone since then. I tried calling her repeatedly. Today operator was saying, “This number does not exist.” I have already started to search for new profile. By the way, if you are on Orkut and available let me know.

How can I forget someone has also said that "Never listen to a moron". Shoaib's lies cost me my love. I took a pledge to "Never learn from morons' mistakes." Wait, I hope you consider me wise, otherwise it will be very confusing to you.

A True Behen Ji

"In U.P., it is easier to count number of stars in the sky than counting Mayawati’s statues."

In exciting news, recent survey done by NCP (National Commission on Population) has shown reduced fertility rate (nearly halved) in U.P. since Mayawati started erecting her own statues. Scientists are yet to confirm, but initial results show that significant loss in sexual appetite after even visualizing U.P. chief minister. Spokesperson of NCP, Nityanand Durachari, said in an interview, “It could be a major break through in the field of family planning. It seems like Mayawati’s erected statues have negative impact on other sorts of erection. Imagine what happens to a common man who is on a daily basis exposed to nearly hundreds of her statues. She is true “Behen Ji” unlike nurses who are called “Sisters” but everybody keeps drooling over them.” He continued further, “NCP is going to recommend it to Government and will encourage other states also to build her statues. We are also going to recommend hospitals to distribute her miniature statues along with condoms as a family planning initiative. NCP thinks it is excellent way of natural family planning.”

When chief minister was asked about it, she said that she had always national interest at heart. “I feel sad when huge number of U.P.ites are born every year just get beaten in Maharashtra. I did not want that for my kids and so I remain unmarried. Why else do you think I did not get married?” “U.P. is highest populated state in India. After discussing the issue with my advisers, we decided to divide U.P. in 5 separate states, so that population of U.P. becomes less. But central Government would not understand such easy fixes.” said Mayawati.

“Now I am thinking global. This year I went “green” by accepting multicrore garland made of notes. I did not want my followers to pluck flowers.” “Somebody told me that tree pulp is used for making notes. I suggest my followers to make a “check” (bank) garland next year, so that I can capture all their love by damaging environment least”.

“India has a tradition of molesting poor dalits, so I was targeted by Supreme Court. Now, nobody from SC will comment on the findings. I can only say, in your face SC.”  and Mayawati left to cut a 52 kg cake made especially for her birthday.

Babul Ki Duayen Leti Ja

[I swear to you, I tried my best not to write about Sania’s marriage AKA Shoaibs’s marriage controversy, but I think it was inevitable, after all being a blogger I can not keep distance from such juicy story.]

Since childhood mud was my favorite playing object. I loved throwing mud at others and perhaps that is why I still love mudslinging at others. Spreading rumors and twisting facts to defame others is oxygen to my life. But this particular story does not need any of my effort, it is already spiced enough, ready to be served and enjoyed.

It is a story of two losers, one axed from his cricket team and other never progressed further to second round (provided she was not injured, Question: If she hardly used to play, how the hell she used to get injured in the first place?) in tennis. I do not want to write about already troubled poor Shoaib Malik, after all innocent Malik was cheated by cunning Ayesha as she send him snaps of more attractive woman (even though he has seen her in person as both have picture and video together with  Ayesha’s family) and he was lured to marriage. 

Other looser is Hayderabadi, self proclaimed extraordinary tennis player who’s out standing (not outstanding) performances in tennis never won her anything in the field. Many claim that she was good for Indian tennis; people started taking interest in game. I am not sure about other Indians but my grandfather certainly started watching women’s tennis since then. He would never miss a game. Once, I just to test his knowledge about game asked a question and he replied that he hardly understands any rule of the game. Then I asked him, why the hell he watches the game them. His reply still amuses me, he told me “Who watches women’s tennis for game? If I was really interested in game, would not I watch men’s tennis? It is just good for your eyes.”  I could not agree more. If you know your game, you know what to look at.

I hardly followed her career, only because, there was nothing to follow. If I have to admire a woman sports ambassador, I will go for Saina Nehwal, who can be as hot as she plays when she wants. I still think we haven’t got all the juice from the story. Media needs to poke Sohrab Mirza (earlier engaged to Sania Mirza) on how she embarrassed her. We need more photos of Ayesha and Sohaib. In between if someone is married to Sania, he should also come forward. Let the juice flow.

It is ironically hilarious when celebrities say they should be left alone and their private life is nobody’s business. When they are on top of their world, they never miss an opportunity to come on page-3, they speak about their common cold as if it is of public interest, then why we will leave you alone when for the first time there is something for us. We will peep so badly in your life, that you will know what being celebrity means. Yeah, it is our business.

It is a Loooong Wait

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

Dear reader, kindly bear in mind that, this post may have mild sexual reference. If you are a pervert, I am sorry to disappoint you because this is not an erotic story either. For links to erotic stories, message me or Pratap (name has not been changed to reveal the true identity) privately [:)].

My brother is getting married in June. He couldn’t be happier, and why he shouldn’t be? Two months from now, he wouldn’t have to worry even if a Gabbar Singh asks for his both hands.

I am happy too, not solely for him, after all him gone from the queue, people will now focus on me. Even though, last couple of years, openly I pretend to be indifferent towards my marriage talks, but secretly I have been eavesdropping and poking around for the facts. I think it has its own share of fun. Any new proposal makes my heart beat faster and I think “This Is IT” while every failed one makes my wait eternal.

It is not that I am afraid of doing my work on my own, but it would be nice for change. My hands are tired; colour of my palm is rubbed out; palm readers are having difficulty locating lines and worst of all I am running out of imagination. Sometimes I wonder if anyone has rubbed even an ordinary lamp so many times, it would have produced a Jeannie.

I have been dropping hints for last three years, but my insensitive parents did not take any notice. To make it easier for them, I have been using cliche like; I have been feeling lonely lately, mummy needs to relax, my all friends are getting married and even spoke in favor of child marriage, but why parents who fulfill all the desires of their children fail to realize such obvious need. Parents still thinks that we will shy on the topic like 10 year old kid. I will do favor to my son and will marry him when he will be 15, he will be in-debt for life.  See below G-Talk conversation between me and my friend.

Friend: Arrey abhi maze daar kissa hua hamare ghar mein. Hamare liye rishta aaya.
Anand: Sahi.
Friend: To hamare pitaji hamein bata rahe they. To hamne poocha " papa aapne kya bola"
Anand: Hmm.
Friend: Papa bole "Bete se pooch kar batayenge."
Anand: To tumne kya bola ?
Friend: To hamne kaha "Papa, photo to mangwa hi lijiye."
Anand: :)
Friend: Usper hamare pitaji itne barse, unhe ummed thi ki hum sharma kar bolenge.
Anand: To poocha hi kyon :)
Friend: Masti aa gayi.
Anand: :). Bhai ab kuch kar ke dikho ki pitaji ko bhi lage ki tum jimmedari sambhal sakte ho. Doosra upay hai ki bolo ki mummy ghar par kaam karti hai mujhse dekha nahi jata.
Friend: :). Ya phir bolo "pitaji ab mummy bhoodi ho gayi hain, unhen arram ki aawashyakta hai."
Anand: Aisa pelenge pitaji aur bacha kasar mummy ne sun liya to nikal dengi. Kuch ke parents to graduate hote hi haath dho kar peeche pad gaye ki kar hi lo par hamare ghar wale hi itne insensitive nikle. Unko bhi bachhe ka kasht samajhna chahiye.
Friend: Yaar yeh man baap bachche ki har zaroorat ka khayal rakhte hain. Keval is mamle mein sub maat kha jaate hain.
Anand: :)
Friend: Mein apne bachchon ka to bal vivah karva doonga. Zindagi bhar mera ehsaan mangenge.
Anand: Sahi hai. :)

Life is nothing like movies, where you go to neighbor for a cup of milk and fun starts.  I haven’t found a kinky air hostess during flight like movies either. I do not have kids, so I am not sure about baby sitters though. My point is, when we have to settle for regular fun, what is point in delaying it?

One of my friends told me that post makes me look desperate, so what, this post is for all despo bros.

Railway Budget 2010-2011: Paparazzi keep Devegowda awake during whole Rail Budget

Mamta Banerjee reached parliament in her new Tata Nano, dressed in her favorite light yellow-coloured saree carrying her trademark Jhola to deliver second Railway Budget of the current United Progressive Alliance Government in Lok Sabha today. Telecasting from beginning to the end, DD-1 conceded budget session is the only time of the year when it gets maximum (only) viewership. Continuing tradition of past railway ministers she kept promising goodies until almost every viewer in India got satisfied and turned off their TV sets (except old generation stuck to television set watching and analyzing live telecast as if it is really going to make any radical change in their life).  Among many attractive highlights, the tag line of this rail budget was the statement made by Didi “The Railway Budget 2010 is for the people and of the people and by the people” …….yeah yeah yeah, Lincoln again.

This year Didi promised 54 new trains out of which unlike other trains, 14 trains will run only one way; from Mumbai to Bihar. The decision was taken considering the current tense situation in Mumbai; she further explained that it will help in reducing number of North Indians in Mumbai. While BJP bitched about the decision, by declaring it MNS pleasing; MNS raised concern by stating it UPA’s meticulous move to erase their only political issue. Didi also promised 12 Durantos (non stop) trains as she recognizes these trains are hour of need, especially for trains crossing Bihar (4 Durantos will cross Bihar non-stop). She also said that considering frequent chain-pullings in Bihar, she is thinking of declaring all train crossing Bihar, Durantos.

Due to repeated sexual harassment of India's women commuters, eight trains will be designated as women-only. Though she personally felt it was not an issue as she said, “I have traveled by train in my whole life but nobody ever teased me…….. DAAAAHH but Rahul baba has been complaining about it.”

She announced railway is working under “Railways 2020 vision” and all the promises she had made but not fulfilled yet are long term goals under this vision. In critical analysis of this vision, AAJ TAK (India’s sabse tej news channel) said that this was a foolish move as world is anyway going to be destroyed in the year 2012. 

She also announced special train between India and Bangladesh to be started to commemorate 150th birth anniversary of Rabindranath Tagore to facilitate illegal immigration from Bangladesh.

In between all these promises, news channels were keeping an eye on the former Prime Minister H.D. Devegowda, ready to click his sleeping photo for “Sleeping Devegowda” calendar. Aware of the situation, he showed them his rare photo (left) with his both eyes open. At the end he was very much angry with the paparazzi, as because of them he has to be awake during whole parliament session for the first time.   

At the end Lok Sabha speaker Mira Kumar thanked MP’s for, most of them being awake for major part of the session. She also conceded last two railway budgets have been boring and remembered Lalu Yadav for presenting funnier Railway budgets.